archie bunker Loc: Texas

If you do....leave yourself some running room!! :shock:

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

You are just so behind. HappyJ joined us and left two days later because of Brian Devil and his rude cohorts. We missed him sorely and are doing cheerleading jumps (mentally) that he has rejoined us.

It is my feeling I may have to give up my Saturday amusement as his jokes are so wonderful.

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

Did you complete the rugs? :hunf:

Happy J

Here is one just for you that you can share with your buddies, I read that you were Marine, right?

After a few drinks, a sailor leaned over to the guy next to him in a bar and asks if he wants to hear a Marine joke. The man, who is rather large, says "Well I'm a Marine, and my two buddies here are also Marines, so you'd better think about if you want to tell that joke or not." The sailor looks over at the two other large men and says, "Nah, it's not worth explaining three times."

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

And give the man a fifteen out of a possible ten! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Happy J

No my dear AuntiE, Saturdays and Sundays are yours. I love your humor and believe me, I have added them to the jokes I tell friends. They appreciate the fresh and as they put it "at last, funny jokes."

Loki Loc: Georgia

The gold digger, on the prowl for a rich Texan to marry, goes into a bar. Asks a guy what he does. "I own the Flying J Ranch, 100,000 acres."

Next evening, she goes back to the same bar, meets another guy, asks the same questions. He replies: " I won the Lazy R Ranch, 250,000 acres."

Sure that the third time is the charm, she goes back again. Asking her mark how many acres he owns, he replies, "about 500." Furious at what she sees as a waste of her time, she says " you good for nothing jerk! What the hell do you call your '500 acre' spread?" The gentleman replied, "most folks call it "Downtown Dallas."

Happy J

Gold diggers, pappy said they are like hookers, only smarter.

Anyway, here is a wedding joke for you:

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.

'

Happy J

Sorry, I have to go. Time to check homework and get the kids in the shower. See you tomorrow. Keep laughing!

Blue Flu Loc: HHI

Singing the Blues


If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues t***sportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues

a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period.

Sorry.

Happy J

Nothing to be sorry about, this was cool dude.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?" Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

Happy J

Nothing to be sorry about, this was cool dude.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?" Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

Loki Loc: Georgia

Samuel Clemens lives.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I wasn't welcoming him to the OPP, AunitE, I was letting him know he was a welcomed member. I do remember his initial entry into the forum...and his departure. It was an attempt on my part to encourage his staying.

I went to bed early last night. I had never caught up with my sleep from the return trip, and needed to do so. I see I missed out by calling it a night. :oops:

alex Loc: michigan now imperial beach californa

don't we don't laugh enough, have you noticed none of the liberals are here?