The bragging Texan
Dec 27, 2018 12:35:20 #
Smedley_buzk**l wrote:
The beautiful young gold digger from the Pacific N... (show quote)
Good one thanks for the laughs.
Dec 27, 2018 12:47:23 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
archie bunker wrote:
The Texans, and Okies were fighting back, and forth across the Red River one time. The Okies continually bombarded the Texans with dynamite from across the river until the Texans finally got tired of it, and started lighting it, and throwing it back.
Now we all get along!
Now we all get along!
Dec 27, 2018 13:18:27 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!
"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding?
When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!
"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding?
When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"Dec 27, 2018 13:22:43 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"
The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"
Dec 27, 2018 13:40:09 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."
Dec 27, 2018 13:45:54 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
You know you’re in Texas when…The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You know you’re in Texas when…The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
You know you’re in Texas when…The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You know you’re from Texas if… You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
You know you’re from Texas if… You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go buy Texas themed snacks from Texas Treats!
“Saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit out in West Texas one day and it was so hot they both were walking.”
Texas Tales are like taffy, the more you stretch them, the better they are!
Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
You know you’re in Texas when…The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
You know you’re in Texas when…The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You know you’re from Texas if… You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
You know you’re from Texas if… You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go buy Texas themed snacks from Texas Treats!
“Saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit out in West Texas one day and it was so hot they both were walking.”
Texas Tales are like taffy, the more you stretch them, the better they are!
Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
Dec 27, 2018 23:07:36 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
slatten49 wrote:
A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap. "How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game warden. "Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!" 
Dec 27, 2018 23:10:15 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
slatten49 wrote:
You know you’re in Texas when…The best parking pla... (show quote)
The birds with potholders really tickled me. Dec 27, 2018 23:13:46 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
slatten49 wrote:
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles a... (show quote)
My little brother used to wear my dads' boots-- you brought that image back Dec 27, 2018 23:16:05 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
slatten49 wrote:
She didn't want a dip??Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) c... (show quote)
Dec 27, 2018 23:18:30 #
Dec 27, 2018 23:40:07 #
Coos Bay Tom
Loc: coos bay oregon
A Texan an Oregonian and a Californian were walking out in the wide open one day. They stopped for a little bit and the Texan pulled out a bottle of whiskey and took a glug then threw the bottle up in the air and shot it with his six gun. Well the Californian didn't want to be out done so he pulled out a bottle of high priced wine took a few sips and threw it in the air and shot it with his 9mm. "He said we have lots of wine in California." The Oregonian pulled a beer out of his cooler and chugged the whole thing down put the bottle back in the cooler and shot the Californian. The Texan asked "What you do that for?" The Oregonian said "We have plenty of Californians in Oregon and bottles are a dime".
Dec 28, 2018 06:44:49 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bra. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."
Dec 28, 2018 06:46:57 #
slatten49
Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas
Coos Bay Tom wrote:
She didn't want a dip??
I gathered she didn't want any of them thar cowboys to take a 'dip'. 
Dec 28, 2018 18:30:07 #
slatten49 wrote:
Shopping in Texas
My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
Now that there is funny.
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