rhomin57 Loc: Far Northern CA.

I understand what he is saying. He is a very intelligent man, and teacher in his own family.
What is being discussed here that I read is "hurt, rejection, and ridicule." This stuff is rampant in many homes, kids needs to feel an important part of something like their family, which did not happen. Many are the brunt of jokes per family, friends and peers. Their needs to feel and be protected by parent(s) or family as a whole was not there. There spiritual self was not ignited during their upbringing to learn of a Love and Power outside of themselves. Being jilted in a relationship- boyfriend or girlfriend, and no direction or structure for feelings to resolve.
All this creates a deep hurt in kids by the time their young adult. They are afraid to let someone close to them per the deep hidden fear of being hurt.
So what do they do, they yell and scream at the one their suppose to let close to them, which is actually the noise of old pain. Saying "don't hurt me" actually at the top of their lungs. In doing this yelling, screaming, drinking, drugs, that person is pushing away anything that may hurt them.

A lot of abused kids, as adults, find it hard to say: "I just wanted them to love me." Grieve and understand that loss in their childhood, then move on.
For many to be able to confess that, is to vulnerable, exposing. So they go a while longer in their dysfunctional emotions.

Ve'hoe

Much better than how I said it!!!

I had to learn by screwing it up!!

It is counter-intuitive to someone who has had to survive and fight, to give up,,,,, and win.

I think that is what is behind PTSD,,, when you fight your whole life, just to survive, it becomes an incredibly powerful force. But when you awaken to the fact that you have "survived" for 40 years,,, NOT lived for 40 years,,, you realize that surviving is not living. The idea that you could lose your life if you gave in to the wrong people makes you treat everyone as an enemy or dangerous,,,, therefore, nothing risked, nothing lost,,, but of course, nothing ever gained.

rhomin57 Loc: Far Northern CA.

I agree with some of that, but having been married to a Viet Nam vet who woke up in a start every two hours at night, and met you with an instant taiquando stance ready to fight because you walked up behind them and tickled his sides; that is PTSD. Both my Grandfathers were in WWII as young men. One would be resting or sleeping and in just and instant he would jerk and be standing up on full alert. My other Grandfather would wake up in Cold Sweats with a far away look in his eye. It would be a minute before his was to himself again. That is PTSD.
There are lesser versions of PTSD for the rest of us like what your talking about, still the same disorder. Both Grandfathers gradually grew out of their PTSD as they got into their 60's and 70's years of age. That's a long time to suffer though as your put it.
I do enjoy your wisdom~

larry

Well this incident shows two things, Someone taught the kid well, and someone didn't teach the lady. Or, the lady did not think the kid was worth her time. Sad, but some people are arrogant and nasty. They probably eat ground glass for breakfast. Maybe a miniseries on the boob tube to focus on manners and chivalry and the positive effects of it. It might be novel enough to suck a big audience in for a while.

Ve'hoe

To Searching,,,, right there, IS how it is done,,, she adds to what I say, and sparks more that my male mind erases.

To a smaller extent, all people have those PTSD survival reactions,,, you have to train your mind OUT of it. People who haven't been loved have it worse. It is what Jesus said was the MOST IMPORTANT commandment,,, "Love each other." Because when you react to survive, you are a victim to your environment, and you survive. When you connect with people, and break the power of someones hurtful words, (especially ones not meant for you) then you can see what their hurt is. That is very powerful, but like I tell my kids, some people cannot love, they are too afraid.
If you are with a man who scares you, you may be with the wrong man. I don't think god requires you to stay with a man like that, you deserve to be loved, you don't have to settle for less. It is incumbent on your mate to come up to that level too, or he is at fault.

You are responsible for where you find yourself, you are at fault if you accept it. You can be "Responsible for your life, without being at Fault for it." (A hard thing to get your mind around) Be responsible, not at fault. Someone says something and you think you are at fault, then your survival mechanism takes over, and you feel bad. That is all f**e, we don't have a better word for that than "satantic", be responsible, recognize what is satanic, and let that go, because it isn't meant for you, your "fault" has been purchased and erased.........

Searching Loc: Rural Southwest VA

You know, the very first people who come into your life are the ones, even not meaning to, leave you with so much baggage. While my husband has his own issues that he struggles with -- violence is not one of them. However, my father, who still tugs at my heartstrings for how alone he must have felt, was, in one way or another, violent towards others until the day he died. The last time I went home was two years before he took his life -- it was Thanksgiving. Let us just say, it did not end on an happy note. I realized then, that I could never go home again. I am amazed that my husband is not a violent man because he came from such a disturbed environment. He would rather retreat into total silence than raise his voice.

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

Has anyone ever wondered how WWI and WWII vets ever made it to old age? Some had problems sure, but on the whole, they came home raised families and built a life. Same for Korean vets. Vietnam came along, many did the same thing, but a few had problems.
Why do some children, coming from abusive households, go on to live successful lives, but some do not? You see, increasingly, " I had a bad childhood " being used as a defense in criminal cases. For that defense to be valid, ALL abused kids would have to become criminals. That is not the case.
From long years of watching people, both professionally and personally, I have come to this conclusion. It is not the extent of violence or emotional injury that determines who will suffer lasting effects, it's that individuals ability and commitment to take responsibility for themselves. Some need help, either through medication, therapy or a combination of the two. The bottom line is still, that the suffering person must choose NOT to take responsibility for what happened in the past, but for what happens NOW and in the future. " I will feel sad for myself" versus " I will find joy in my life". It's a choice not a sentence.

Searching Loc: Rural Southwest VA

It is a choice in most cases. My father entered WWII at age 17 and seemed to travel all of the European theatre. I will say, not in his defense exactly that he too came from a violent household, went to war, became a cop, and then suffered a traumatic brain injury which made the tendencies I saw ALL through my childhood even worse. My father "chose" to not take the medication prescribed for him. My mother "chose" to defend my father at all costs. I "chose", early in life, to not take the path of either of my parents, because quite candidly, while they were extremely high functioning, they were both mentally ill. I will say, that from time to time, my baggage trips me up when I least expect it!!

Ve'hoe

Yep, but one must remember who is watching us,,,, our children, Is there proof through our actions that we are not mentally ill???

That is the test!

Searching Loc: Rural Southwest VA

Yes, you are absolutely right. Our children are the litmus test. Of course, since I am bipolar, it would seem, and I say this somewhat in jest, that I ended up with mixed results. The oldest "needs" some fine tuning, which I am gently poking at. The younger two come to me often with their problems. They are, by the way, children of my heart, not biological, but that doesn't matter. All three know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them and that there isn't anything they can't bring to me. I can laugh, because the younger two came to me when they became young adults and apologized to me for what they put me through early on. Of course, when the two younger ones came onto the scene, the oldest came to me and said which took me aback "I am SO sorry, seeing them, what I must have put you through." I had the good grace to "gently" chuckle and tell him that he had absolutely NO reason to have to apologize to me, that he was my practice model and maybe I should be apologizing to him. He is still at odds with himself a bit, still trying to find his way. His father, and his father's father, and my father, for that matter, whose harsh ways I always wasn't able to shield him from, gave messages so wrong-- you will never amount to anything, you can't do anything. Not messages of hope. Hey, it is what it is.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Ve'hoe, that is the best capsule summarization of PTSD I can remember hearing or reading! Rhomin57's followup was a stark reminder to those who have lived with it, we are not alone.

Thanks to both of you, from all of 'us'. :thumbup:

Ve'hoe

Seeing grandkids will give you another start,,, they are everyone different little people,,, I remember my son in law asking about that with his daughters, thinking they would be similar,,, nope.
It is amazing, when god says, I knew you (as a soul) before you were conceived,,,, what that truly means. A. The soul is eternal, and it has some use in being different.

Ve'hoe

And,,,, everyone has baggage,,, everyone. Sometimes it is the baggage that talks to the others baggage and we are only remotely involved,,, a recipe for disaster!

I started out thinking how I would like to be remembered and began to do things that would make it so.

I wanted a big family with a nice old grandma/grandpa,,, but we didnt have that,,, so I had to become it,,, without any instructions on how to do so.

That is why the "family" is so fractured in america,,, it is hard. And a lot of people have to agree to let go of a lot of stuff or it isnt gonna work. In the world of "ME FIRST" which we find ourselves now, it hasnt a chance.

Searching Loc: Rural Southwest VA

Amen. 8-)