Going the e-mail rounds. I laughed so much I could barely see through the tears at the end. :lol: :lol:



NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... .......


If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This

is an actual account as relayed by paramedics at a chile

cook-off in New Mexico .


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an

inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

k**led me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to
tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"


"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my
cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry
to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed
that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Are these the folks you will include in your "h**eful" category.....or maybe they are related to you and you'll give them a pass.

ROWLETT, Texas – Rowlett police have confirmed a video that has been floating around the internet this week of a woman being assaulted as she holds a child in her lap occurred at a Garland ISD elementary school last Friday.

Police have been investigating the video since they were made aware of it, and are searching for the suspect that led the assault.

The video appears to show two young women attempting to get another to fight them as the victim sits on a bench with a small child in her lap. Eventually, one of the women grabs the victim by her hair and rips her off of the bench, sending both the victim and the child spilling to the concrete below.

The assault suspect then continues to pull the victim onto the grass where she hits her repeatedly as the child screams out.
Watch how d********g these animals are:
http://www.khou.com/story/news/local/texas/2015/06/26/rowlett-police-investigating-video-of-assault-on-woman-child/29324589/

Another evil our government brought on us today. The supreme court passed the decision for every state to perform same sex marriage. After studying the Bible for years and comparing our country, with what brought Israel down, I believe we are following the exact pattern. First God sets up our king(leader). He could be a good king or bad king. It is according to what the people deserve. Did we deserve this evil leader we have today. The answer is yes. We have become murders of unborn babies for years now. Since the middle sixties we have become a immoral nation. Hollywood has filled our homes with movies straight out of hell. Internet is full of crap, if you want to see it. We are calling evil good and good evil. God is sending us warnings by floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, fires. Our economy is failing. We are losing our military strength etc. Now we have spit in God's eye, by making the marriage of the same sex legal. If a individual decides he is going to abort her baby, that sin is on her. Not the whole country. When an individual lies with the same sex, that is their sin. Not the whole countries. This goes for all sin. But, when people support the government to pass immoral laws, this brings the wrath on all the states and people. If you don't believe this, stand by and watch for a year. God is turning His back on this great nation, as we turn our back on Him. God was with us during all the wars we had up to the Vietnam war. We accomplish nothing there. Nothing in Irag. Nothing where our soldiers are at now. We are really falling out of Gods favor fast. The next big step is for Him, to take this country from us.

I SPEAK IN KIND.......AND THOSE OF YOU WHO TRY TO CRITIZE ME AND NOT THE OTHERS AFTER I HAVE OFFERED EXPLANATIONS ABOUT MY RACIAL VIEWS THAT NEVER WAS AFFORDED TO ME AS A COURTESY IN RETURN-CAN GO PHUCK YOURSELVES UNTIL YOU HURT.....I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN RACE AND PHILOSOPHY WHILE EVEN THROWING YOUR TOKEN B****S UNDER THE BUS FOR GOOD MEASURE-YOU ALL IGNORED THAT AND INSISTED ON SAYING THE SAME SCHIT OVER AND OVER........SO GO TO HELL YOU BIASED WHITE R****T PROTECTING BEYATCH!!!