http://thefederalist.com/2015/11/11/scarlett-johansson-sexing-up-the-bible-wont-defeat-christianity/?utm_source=The+Federalist+List&utm_campaign=6d7c906561-RSS_The_Federalist_Daily_Updates_w_T***som&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_cfcb868ceb-6d7c906561-83828933
Scarlett Johansson, Sexing Up The Bible Wont Defeat Christianity
As a Christian, I dont know if its good form to give tactical advice to those on the other side of the spiritual warfare battlefield. Since I dont desire Christianitys destruction, I probably shouldnt offer any pointers for how to accomplish this to those want to raze the worlds sanctuaries and tango atop the rubble.
On the other hand, Jesus did promise that the gates of hell will not prevail against his church, so giving despisers of the faith a more effective strategy to accomplish a goal theyll never accomplish is a bit of a sanctified brag, a holy boast in the Savior whose supposed weakness is infinitely stronger than the strength of his enemies. So, in response to Scarlett Johansson reading sections of the Bible in a porn voice on Saturday Night Live writer Mike OBriens upcoming comedy album, lets go with the other hand.
For Johansson, OBrien, and those such as Ron Dicker of Huffington Post, who found this comedic collaboration to be delightful, I get it. You dont like Christianity. You believe its teachings are a blight on progressive society, so youve selected humor as your weapon to erode its influence. Lets sexify sections of scripture to show Christians that what they hold to be sacred is foolish and should have no role in our world. This seems to be your battle strategy.
The problem with this strategy, however, is that it doesnt offer Christians anything of substance in place of what youre trying to take away from them. True, cultural Christians who have no interest in suffering for the gospel may quickly run away from your bullets of mockery. But if you want to defeat the actual Christian soldiers who are marching off to war, youll have to convince them to join your ranks by showing them that you have something worth fighting for. As difficult as it may be to believe, the nothingness of sexual libertinism that you offer is not a suitable replacement for those who trust in the everything-ness of the gospel.
Sex Is a Lame Little God
By having Johansson mockingly moan the words of Moses, you seem to be saying to Christians, You dont get this kind of pornographic ecstasy on Gods battlefield, so come join our side and its all yours. While this may be an enticing offer for those who have, since puberty, never worshipped anything other than their libidos, its not a terribly attractive option to those who already worship something of slightly higher worth, namely the God who created the heavens and the earth.
Those who serve the God who first served them by taking on human flesh wont be persuaded when you say, Okay, but wouldnt you rather serve nothing but your own flesh instead? Believers who find immeasurable joy in Christs forgiveness and therefore want to live according to his commandments wont believe you when you promise them greater joy by living a lifestyle that everyone whos ever had a promiscuous friend knows yields tons of regret and emptiness and nary an ounce of lasting happiness.
Those who rejoice to belong to a fellowship that transcends space and time, tribes and cultures, and unites heaven and earth together wont trade a life overflowing with eternal meaning for a life of sexual libertinism that epitomizes meaninglessness.
Try This Instead, Scarlett Johansson
So for the OBriens and Johanssons and everyone sympathetic to their cause, I know were on opposite sides of the spiritual battlefield, but let me offer you a better way. Instead of trying to defeat Christianity with nothing, try hacking away at Gods kingdom with something, anything that has some degree of substance.
If you want to mock the Bible, do it like the Koran does in Surah 4:157-158. It dismisses Jesuss crucifixion in a way that essentially says, Christians, let go of your weak God and follow Allah the powerful, who would never allow his prophets to suffer a shame like this. If you want to tear down churches, at least invite people into the mosque youve built atop the cathedrals ruins. [/color=maroon]If you want to take away the Christians deep, meaningful, and true set of beliefs, make sure youre ready to give him another deep, meaningful, yet untrue set of beliefs in exchange.[/color]
As the Islamic conquests of Christian lands has shown, this is a pretty effective way to gain defectors from Christs ranks who went out from us but were not of us, as 1 John 2:19 puts it.
Or, if trading one religion for another doesnt win your war (and if your lifes goal is, as it seems, unrestricted access to fornication, it probably wont), try the nationalistic approach. If you want people to stop believing in the Almighty God, sell them on the Almighty State.
Like the c*******ts, convince them that a government free of Christian dogma and superstition is the only force that can solve humanitys problems and end the worlds injustices. Tell those who want to be one with God that together as one we can be God himself. Offer citizens pledges of allegiance to the Invincible Government and, as history has shown, some of them might just hand over their Christian creeds.
Not to Say It Will Work
Granted, neither of these approaches will work. Even if you jihad with the best of them, you wont actually triumph over any of Gods elect. And even if you give all glory and honor to the state, the state will eventually fail, spectacularly, at being God, and Christ will continue building his church atop the ashes of empires. Plus, the more you persecute the church, the more youll exacerbate your own defeat.
Even if you jihad with the best of them, you wont actually triumph.
So no matter how you wage war against the Triune God, youll still lose. But if you adopt one of these strategies, at least youll lose respectably. At least you can say you offered Christians a powerless something instead of an utter nothing in exchange for the absolute everything that is Gods kingdom.
Aim higher than Mike OBrien and Scarlett Johansson and, when you consider the war you waged against God, at least you can say you waged it with a higher level of maturity than what youd find in a Porkys movie.
Hans Fiene is a Lutheran pastor in Illinois and the creator of Lutheran Satire, a series of comical videos intended to teach the Lutheran faith.
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