The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs have been barking non-stop. I h**e the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.

This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that is where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I became curious as to “how” the collars actually work. So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did... I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the thing against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face. I began coughing, which only caused the fucking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the damn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco. I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that mother fucker across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.

Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!

Ah, Yes, the New York Times. Can't understand why anybody reads that rag anymore; I won't even use
it to line my bird cage. Their latest.......Headlines that Pompeo was absent (AWOL) again, thousands of
miles away....blah....blah....blah.. He was in fact thousands of miles away......getting back (FREED) three
US citizens held by North Korea. AND arranging for our President to meet with NOKO leader Un. Pompeo
is Secretary of State......he's SUPPOSED to be thousands of miles away all the time.

I know this is a very old one, but still makes me laugh

This should give you a chuckle.

The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, 70 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that during the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

Barrack Obama, Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden

This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.
And now you can stop wondering why they so strongly support Illegal Alie

Home Expert Advice Home & Living Coyotes Present a Serious Threat: Here’s How You Can Protect Your Dog

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By Kristina Lotz
Apr 18, 2018 | 2 Minutes
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With their habitats and food sources shrinking, coyotes are venturing closer to our neighborhoods and homes than we’d like. Not only do they prey on livestock such as chickens and lambs, but our cats and dogs can make an easy meal for these canine natives as well. Here are some ways you can protect your dog from coyote attacks, both at home and while you’re out enjoying nature.

Coyote Vests

After losing their own small dog to a coyote, one family vowed to help reduce the chance of a similar tragedy happening to someone else. Coyote vests are made for small dogs and have a Kevlar neck collar armed with 1-inch spikes and spikes down the back, making it hard for coyotes to get a bite. If you have a small dog, these vests may provide good protection in coyote country.

Don’t Leave Your Dog Outside Unsupervised

If you’re not around to keep an eye on your dog, it’s best to leave him indoors where a coyote can’t get him, especially if you don’t have good fencing.

Coyote-Proof Fencing

Speaking of fencing, you should invest in one that’s solid, at least 6-feet tall, and buried in the ground at least 18 inches, since coyotes are amazing diggers. At the top, you need to put something that will stop even the most athletic coyote. This could be barbed wire or a tube of PVC pipe (its slick, round shape makes it almost impossible for a coyote to grip). You can also create an overhang on the outside of the fence. Finally, you can install coyote rollers, which are 4-foot aluminum rods that spin when a coyote tries to grip them, preventing an animal from climbing over. And unlike barbed wire or PVC pipe, coyote rollers aren’t ugly to look at and are usually accepted by homeowners’ associations.

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Light up Your Yard at Night

Another backyard tip is to install motion-sensor lights that are pointed outside your fence line. That way, if a coyote does come around, the light will turn on before he gets into your yard. The light will make most coyotes turn back.

Pick up Poop

Your dog’s feces can attract coyotes to your property, so keeping your yard or fields clear of poop can help lower the risk of attracting one. They will also eat fallen fruit, so picking up any windfalls is a good idea. Don’t leave trash outside in bags and make sure all garbage can lids are secure and cannot be tipped over.

Coyote Protection on Walks

The coyote vest mentioned above is great for your dog to wear on a walk if you’re in an area where you might encounter one. Keeping your dog on leash is also safer, since most coyotes are wary of people and won’t attack your dog if he’s close to you. Bringing something along that makes a loud noise — a whistle, bell, horn, etc. — is another good way to scare off a lingering coyote.

Remember that even if coyotes don’t attack your dog, they carry and t***smit many diseases and parasites, including rabies, distemper, parvov***s, hepatitis, mange, fleas, worms, and ticks. So, keeping them out of your neighborhood is something that should be on everyone’s radar. If you have community meetings, you may want to bring up these tips or suggest creating a Facebook group where neighbors can post coyote sightings. Together, you can keep your dogs (and other pets) safe.