rumitoid wrote:
For many, this may a straightforward issue to deal with, from personal convictions to a matter of faith. I am not so clear. Despite the clear and nearly intellectual understanding for the need to release the sins of the past and acknowledge self-forgiveness, I am unable to do so. In no way do I find this resistance or reluctance to let go of past wrongs as admirable. Which is not quite true, for part of me needs to be beaten by regrets. It seems wrong to give them up, as if a time limit were there to excuse offenses.
AA says, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I seem unable to comply. Certain memories of past bad actions are like a punch to the stomach; over thirty years and remains true and painful.
Help me.
For many, this may a straightforward issue to deal... (
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You don't have to forget. But you must know that Your Heavenly Father loves you ! You can give it to Jesus and he will take it when you let go of it.
I called out for years over hateful things I had said.
Judgemental name calling I had inflicted on others. I was the mean girl because I could and because I thought it was funny.
False witness l lied I lied against an innocent knowingly for self gain.
By the time I was 14 I had assaulted my own cousin did I mention he was severely handicapped. I was vile. Devoid of love compassion or empathy. Because it was all about me.
Murder yes murder I knew better and had an abortion anyway.
Giving my child away giving up in self pity and giving my child away. She was ,14 months old and I wanted a better life a different life. Self absorbed selfish and stupid was I . I rationalized it was for the best. NOT
Failed first marriage mostly my fault. The house and sports car business and California life were not enough no I had to be worshipped. Stupid selfish sorry sack that I was I totally screwed up why because I was stuck on self destruct.
Abandoning my own Mother , she lived in a trailer park and worked at a subway and a convalescent home as a maid she begged my forgiveness, nope she wasn't good enough for me. , and my Father well I destroyed him turned him in he lost his business his home and was homeless. And you guessed it I turned him away when he sought shelter. He stood their shivering asking for shelter confessing his regret I told him he wasn't my problem and he should have grown up sooner and closed the door. I was self righteous self absorbed wretch. I was not on drugs or alcohol because I don't believe I had enough of a conscience to feel enough guilt to have a need of self medicating.
Not going to see an aunt or my Grandmother even when I knew they were dying.
Back then it was all about me.
And then one day conviction the Conviction I felt. I would wallow in... Then call out to God I would weep and beg Jesus to just let me sleep, let me forget. I would argue with him over how worthless I was . I couldn't be quiet about all my works my worthless sinful self absorbed shallow self. I refused to listen when over and over I read ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. Oh I still went to church sang the songs started going to a bible study and told no one how much I was racked with guilt how tortured I was every night just looking at my self not in the mirror but at who i was How every night I wished I could take it back. How I begged Jesus to take care of that little girl the one I gave up. How I begged him to help me be a good mother. No one other than those I had already damaged knew I was such a filthy rag. So everyone adored me and I hated that it made it all the worse. I stared into the abyss of my black soul every night.
And every morning I showered went about my day and lived out bible study. Christian music dutiful mothering . Every now and then I would have joy I would be at peace and then out of no where Guilt Shame conviction . more crying out to Jesus. More sleepless nights. FINALLY I LISTENED ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. NOT ONE SHALL COME TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH ME. JESUS THE CHRIST SAID THAT. now earlier that day an older woman shared with me quite out of the blue Honey you just remember to tell that Devil to shut up. Whenever he is telling you you are not good enough or pointing out all your mistakes you just tell him shut up. And go about whatever God has for you to do today. That night I told the devil to shut up.
I have never given a testimony in a church my sisters don't know what I did to our father that night. Only Jesus my cousin and I knew what I did when I was 14 until tonight. GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. I KNOW FOR CERTAIN HE WILL TAKE IT HE WILL TAKE IT ALL. THE DEVIL WILL PUSH POKE PROD AND TRY TO TELL YOU YOU ARE UNWORTHY. AND YOU WILL TELL HIM TO SHUT UP. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU.