slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Paraprosdokia: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1) Do not argue with an i***t. He will d**g you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2) The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4) If I agree with you, then we'd both be wrong.
5) We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6) War does not determine who is right....only who is left.
7) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8) Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11) I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify,' I put 'doctor.'
13) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. (To AuntiE)
14) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15) Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16) A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. (i.e., BadBobby's poker memories)
17) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21) You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call wh**ever you hit the target.
23) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26) A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
27) Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
28) I always take a life with a grain of salt...Plus, a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. (For Salty)
29) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.
30) You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

Here's some I like.

On an application where it says "sex", I reply "yes please".

When the question is asked "how many survived?", the answer is invariably all the survivors survived. Those that did not survive, well, they didn't survive.

Similarly, when the question is asked "how many died?", that answer is also obvious; everyone except those that survived.

Arranging the funeral of a family member, the funeral director asked "where would you like them buried?", to which I replied "in the ground dumbass".

I attempted to deposit a check for $125 at my credit union and the clerk asked "how much would you like to deposit?". I answered "ten million dollars". Well, he asked didn't he?

I tried to withdraw some cash and the clerk asked "how do you want this?", to which I replied "quickly".

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

It would appear that we both fall within the boundaries of #5 and #12 on my list of paraprosdokians.

Welcome to the Smart-Ass Club.

badbobby Loc: texas

to be sure of hitting the target,hit something first and call it the target--Marine expert rifleman(Slatten)

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Don't become a bulls-eye, BB.

badbobby Loc: texas

I have been the target of your admonitions for over a year
guess I'm used to it

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

But now...you're looking to become the target of my ammunition, BB.

badbobby Loc: texas

I think that's what I meant

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

So, you misspoke...just as you did in your confusion over who owes who with regard to poker debts

Re-read #16, BB. "A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory." You, indeed, have a fuzzy memory.

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

I am a charter member.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I 'spected as much.

badbobby Loc: texas

please Slat
don't try to change my thoughts
but I do understand your reluctance to admit your short comings
after all you are a Marine
and therefore expected to have short comings,short memories ,and more than likely short you know whats

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

No, I'm afraid the list of Sailors indebted to me is quite long. And you top the list, my conveniently forgetful friend.

badbobby Loc: texas

you have been sleeping and dreaming your dream too long now
wake up Slat,and at least make an effort to pay just a small token to prove that you are still an honorable man
and do intend to pay your debts(many and large) to myself and other poker players
wait-----you are a Marine
they never pay their poker losses
just pretend and dream that they won

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Life as a Marine is a dream come true. Eat your heart out, Water Lily.