slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

Well, that's given me something to chew on for awhile.

bggamers Loc: georgia

73STNGLKABEE

Awesome joke man, keepem coming

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Went into town, and just got back...here's another:

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!", said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

bggamers Loc: georgia

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I'll keep 'em coming as long as they bring laughter...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

bggamers Loc: georgia

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
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When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was 
I in there for?”
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After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those i***ts,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
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While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
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“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.

“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
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In the hardware store, a 
clerk asked, “Can I help you find 
anything?”

“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
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A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
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A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”
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While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
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She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what k**ls me … ?”

Mark replied, "Apparently, nothing."
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While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

bggamers Loc: georgia

you are on a roll tonight slatten thank you for the laughs

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

One more humorous post before I call it a night....'Signs that you are getting old.'


You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.

You read the obituaries to find eligible women.

Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work

College kids call you mister.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.

After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night long.

You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.

After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top, you realize that it was leaning on the wrong wall.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock rings.

All the names in your little black book end with MD.

You get all your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.

badbobby Loc: texas

Methinks I shall just pass
on that one Slat
Sheesh!!

badbobby Loc: texas

oldie but funny

badbobby Loc: texas

lame

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

You're my toughest critic, BB.