PhilosophyMan Loc: Washington state.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have PTSD and manic depression.
I the philosophical nut have manic depression and PTSD.
I cannot comprehend the fact that I will never understand what it is like to be emotionally and mentally normal.
I have broken down. there is no other way to describe it.
there was already a 90% chance that I had traditional depression.
indeed I have come to the conclusion that my thoughts and observations on this forum are the product of a mental disorder.
it k**ls me more than words to say that.
my PTSD is from the suicide of Christian Dane Knudsen. (look him up) he ended his life three days after I spent my last day with him at a summer camp.
I can never forget, it is a scar that has fueled my depression.
and I have always had manic depression, however now it has made my life a hell that I cannot hope to escape.
I don't want sympathy, I don't want anything of that sort, I just want PEACE. don't give me your sympathy, that makes me feel weak and angry at myself.
I just wanted to share this with you guys.
I will dip here and there but I will hang on as always.
-peace.

Brian Devon

Does your family know about your depression? Do you have access to a therapist such as a social worker or psychologist?

cesspool jones Loc: atlanta

i got it worse than you...i'm a man trapped inna woman's body, and i'm the baby daddy!!...howindaf*k do dat work???

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

PhilosophyMan, check your PM's.

UncleJesse Loc: Hazzard Co, GA

Peace. Hope too because you have educated yourself and can plan for emergencies. I am hopeful that you can manage it and maybe OPP can be a useful outlet...humor and laughter can be temporary comforts for some and I hope you can manage that too. There is a tell that this may be an approach that you can take and I hope you aren't too hard on yourself over the diagnosis. It's not your fault.

Philosophy joke 1: a poster read, "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God

Philosophy joke 2: Congregant asks old pastor, "You have spent years thinking about the hearafter, what insight can you share?" Pastor replies, "I find myself often thinking after entering a room, 'What was it that I came in here after?'"

Last one, from the book "Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes":

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

I looked up your friend Christian. The world is a poorer place for the loss of Christian. The one thing written frequently was his great faith. Based on reading that, I would give you Deuteronomy 31:6. "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for The Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

You are greatly thought of on this site. Your depth of thought is a wondrous thing for one your age. Use that wondrous brain to talk with your family about your feelings.

Be well.

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

You do "got it worse", because you are probably the largest posterior opening to the alimentary canal of anyone on One Political Plaza. You proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt in anyone's mind with your comment. :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:

PhilosophyMan Loc: Washington state.

now they do, and no, therapy does not work, nor does medication. I am toughing it, and it is working pretty well.
therapy makes me impatient and I am a very reserved person. I only share my feelings and past with whom I trust, and I think from past experience that therapy does not help me.
but I trust many on this site considering that you are all naturally encouraging people, that, and I made this account to express my philosophy without chance of harmful scrutiny. I do not fear the keyboard warrior, but that doesn't mean I don't get angry. as for medication, I don't like the idea.

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

Is it possible for you to contact Christian's family, spend time with them and express your deep sorrow and feeling of loss since his suicide?

Brian Devon

I understand your reservations about medication. If you are close to any family and friends they can be as good or better than psychotherapy. Be careful to not isolate yourself. Good luck with feeling better.

rhomin57 Loc: Far Northern CA.

rhomin57 Loc: Far Northern CA.

Philosophyman, I have something to say- and it is not going to be easy, honestly. It's from my heart.
When I was barely two, I had an allergic reaction that slowly swelled my throat shut. Way back when, not many new what was wrong with me other than a loud crouping cough. Actually, I was struggling to breath.
Once finally to an emergency room, I slipped into a clinical death, where an emergency field treach was done right on my gurney.
Being so young, it was left unknown if there would be any brain damage from lack of oxygen. There was.
By the age of four, it began to show very subtly. I had developed a chemical imbalance from that clinical death syndrome, and have been bipolar for as long as I can remember. I don't know life any other way.
The worst didn't hit until I was a young adult and experienced several tragedies of my own one after the other. Then I experienced a total and complete mental and emotional shutdown. The only thing left of me was my knowledge of God, my spiritual self.
I had to grow into a new person, one who had strength, that was lacking before.
I went to scripture as I started my long trek of healing my physical self. I learned what is Wrong, and what is Right, then began to implement those things given the fact that I'm human, and will never be perfect.
Then I became an observer, watching people and how they communicated and dealt with one another, and began to implement those things according to what was comfortable for me.
After 15 years, I became my own person, fallible as anyone else, but so much stronger in what I believe and live. Because of this weak link (I call it) I protect myself in a necessary way.
As I said, I don't know life any other way, but the key here is "Discipline, disciplining your mind,"
Don't stop thinking, but maybe not so deeply - as 'deep' is not really the place to be until you've conquered the Discipline of your mind.
Coping sk**ls are what a bipolar person lacks. Work on those. Learn your triggers, and how to be able to walk away from them.

There are people in this world that are extremely sensitive, and tragedies such as losing your friend is very big. So big to the extremely sensitive ones that they take almost a life time to put in place. But just remember that in 'missing someone' you are healing.
I have lived so far a full and productive life, experiencing love, children, work, and my Faith, "and you will too!"

PhilosophyMan Loc: Washington state.

thank you so much for this.

rhomin57 Loc: Far Northern CA.

You are very welcome~

PhilosophyMan Loc: Washington state.

it is this dwelling, dwelling on this sorrow, thinking and wishing to no end that those days did not end. nostalgia is what it is.
look at my first ever topic, I had later corrected some errors on it of course but that was from my very being, from dwelling on memories.
I have started the journey to move past, but I am afraid to forget, that fear in and of itself has lead to a cycle of regret and dwelling.
that is what fuels it.
for me to go back and talk to them just when they are starting to begin the healing process would not be good for either of us. it is taboo for me in common conversation, it makes me flinch.
I started texting Christian's old number so I could get some things out, but little did i know his brother was the receiver and it lead to swift, awkward dialogue. the family flat out doesn't know me either so you could imagine that exchange was like.
so my answer is no. it has been two years since his death, I don't want to put salt on a still open wound.