This is going to be long because, I believe there is a great misunderstanding of what a conservative believes or thinks. The way the list is made, it looks more like baiting than a desire to understand, but I am going to take the author at his word. Here goes.

-against gay rights
Conservatives are not against gays having rights as we define rights as being "natural" or "God given." Conservatives cannot, nor should we, deny those rights. In most cases, we oppose gays being "married," not because they shouldn't form loving, long term relationships, but because we feel that "marriage" is reserved for man and woman. Also, the social conservative sees this as an assault on Christian ( and most other religions) values and detrimental to the basic family unit (this point probably less important).

-against a women's right to choose
A woman has a right to choose; it is a natural right. Social conservatives feel that it is not appropriate to kill unborn children. The debate about when life begins is settled with the social conservative. Life begins at conception.

-against the minimum wage
Actually, most conservatives are not against a minimum wage as much as we are against turning the minimum wage into a counterproductive social welfare program. My first job was minimum wage; the key being that it didn't stay minimum as I worked and proved my worth. Minimum wage is an entry level wage which by definition means it should not be a "living" wage. If the minimum is too high, there is no incentive to work hard and advance or improve oneself and get a higher paying job. Too high a minimum is nothing more than workfare and will only produce a permanent underclass of low wage, unincentivised workers forever dependent on the government that put them in that position.

-against extending benefits to the unemployed in a recognized financial crisis
Again, having a social safety net is important in bad financial times; however, the safety net should not be so large and all encompassing so as to destroy the incentive to obtaining employment. The longer the unemployment exists; the longer it takes to bring about a return to full employment. Part of our labor problems now are due to workers not even looking for work but still drawing unemployment benefits.

-against welfare
Look at the previous two explanations. Welfare should be an assist to those in need; however, welfare as become a lifestyle for many. The people, who live comfortably on welfare by abusing the system, are far too many and represent a drain on community resources that easily could be used for infrastructure or allocated to other worthy safety net needs.

-against the Federal Reserve
The central banking system, not just in the U.S., is in a precarious position trying to support economies built on massive debt against limited means of repayment. Conservatives want the Fed reorganized and subject to annual public audits. We recognize there is a need for a central bank, but want a bank that is answerable to the people not the politicians that gave them their power.

-against the EPA
Does the EPA make sense when it produces regulations based on science that is not proven or conclusive? Science is so divide on environmental issues, how can the EPA make the judgments they do without the impetuous being political expediency. The rules made by the EPA do more to inhibit our technology that allowing our technology to solve problems. In the meantime, the cost of everything skyrockets unnecessarily and our economy is further hindered from growth and stability. The amount of money the American citizen can pay is finite; all the EPA does is suck money from everybody. There certainly must be a better way.

-against Public Education
I am a former public school educator. I personally am very much in favor of public education that is not controlled by the Federal Government. Return control to the local school boards and the parents who elect them. Public education is this country was at one time the envy of the world. It needs to return to its roots of educating without social engineering or propagandizing political philosophy.

-against Social Security
Conservatives are not against Social Security. We want it removed from the general budget and returned to its own separate trust fund. Return it to a genuine retirement savings plan and remove all the extras that have been hung on it such as disability which has become an income source for a lot of lawyers and people that could legitimately contribute to society.

-against taxing the rich
Its not that conservatives are against taxing the rich as the top 5% of earners in this country pay close to 85% of all taxes. It is that the "rich" are the captains of our industry; they are the ones who make the investments and take the risks of building our economy through the Capitalist system we use. They are entitled to the rewards of their effort. And while there are bad capitalists in the group, they are not stealing money from anyone who is willing to go out and earn it. Raising taxes on the rich only serves to take resources out of the economy that would otherwise be invested to grow the economy.

-against regulations on Wall Street
-against Stimulus plans
These two are so similar, and are opposite sides of the same issue. Conservatives are against over regulation or government over reach. Some regulation is needed, but two much regulation stifles economic productivity, interferes with the normal business cycle, and generally does not protect against the abused the rules are designed to curb. Abuse is going to happen because there are people who will do anything to make a dime. Regulations also tend to favor one business over another and creates artificial competition. It is exactly the same with stimulus; all the evils of over regulation with super sized cronyism. General Motors should have been allowed to fail under protection of bankruptcy law. The Chevrolet would have still been here, but a badly managed and bloated corporation would have reorganized.

-against religious freedom (except for Christians)
Religious tolerance is supported by conservatives. Religious intolerance is not. If you don't want to pry, fine. Don't tell me I can't.

-against evolution
-against science
Evolution exists. Creation exists. Why can't they coexist? Just don't legislate one over the other. Science and Religion are polar opposites. What is observable is always different from what is accepted on faith. See above.

-against me being named king of the universe (this last one is especially irksome and inexplicable)
You can't be named King of the Universe because I already am.

This is not meant to be a poke at conservatives. It should be considered an opportunity to respond with why you seem "at war with" or against many things but may actually have positive reasons.

I will list some examples:
-against gay rights
-against a women's right to choose
-against the minimum wage
-against extending benefits to the unemployed in a recognized financial crisis
-against welfare
-against the Federal Reserve
-against the EPA
-against Public Education
-against Social Security
-against taxing the rich
-against regulations on Wall Street
-against Stimulus plans
-against religious freedom (except for Christians)
-against evolution
-against science
-against me being named king of the universe (this last one is especially irksome and inexplicable)

This is going to be long because, I believe there is a great misunderstanding of what a conservative believes or thinks. The way the list is made, it looks more like baiting than a desire to understand, but I am going to take the author at his word. Here goes.

-against gay rights
Conservatives are not against gays having rights as we define rights as being "natural" or "God given." Conservatives cannot, nor should we, deny those rights. In most cases, we oppose gays being "married," not because they shouldn't form loving, long term relationships, but because we feel that "marriage" is reserved for man and woman. Also, the social conservative sees this as an assault on Christian ( and most other religions) values and detrimental to the basic family unit (this point probably less important).

-against a women's right to choose
A woman has a right to choose; it is a natural right. Social conservatives feel that it is not appropriate to kill unborn children. The debate about when life begins is settled with the social conservative. Life begins at conception.

-against the minimum wage
Actually, most conservatives are not against a minimum wage as much as we are against turning the minimum wage into a counterproductive social welfare program. My first job was minimum wage; the key being that it didn't stay minimum as I worked and proved my worth. Minimum wage is an entry level wage which by definition means it should not be a "living" wage. If the minimum is too high, there is no incentive to work hard and advance or improve oneself and get a higher paying job. Too high a minimum is nothing more than workfare and will only produce a permanent underclass of low wage, unincentivised workers forever dependent on the government that put them in that position.

-against extending benefits to the unemployed in a recognized financial crisis
Again, having a social safety net is important in bad financial times; however, the safety net should not be so large and all encompassing so as to destroy the incentive to obtaining employment. The longer the unemployment exists; the longer it takes to bring about a return to full employment. Part of our labor problems now are due to workers not even looking for work but still drawing unemployment benefits.

-against welfare
Look at the previous two explanations. Welfare should be an assist to those in need; however, welfare as become a lifestyle for many. The people, who live comfortably on welfare by abusing the system, are far too many and represent a drain on community resources that easily could be used for infrastructure or allocated to other worthy safety net needs.

-against the Federal Reserve
The central banking system, not just in the U.S., is in a precarious position trying to support economies built on massive debt against limited means of repayment. Conservatives want the Fed reorganized and subject to annual public audits. We recognize there is a need for a central bank, but want a bank that is answerable to the people not the politicians that gave them their power.

-against the EPA
Does the EPA make sense when it produces regulations based on science that is not proven or conclusive? Science is so divide on environmental issues, how can the EPA make the judgments they do without the impetuous being political expediency. The rules made by the EPA do more to inhibit our technology that allowing our technology to solve problems. In the meantime, the cost of everything skyrockets unnecessarily and our economy is further hindered from growth and stability. The amount of money the American citizen can pay is finite; all the EPA does is suck money from everybody. There certainly must be a better way.

-against Public Education
I am a former public school educator. I personally am very much in favor of public education that is not controlled by the Federal Government. Return control to the local school boards and the parents who elect them. Public education is this country was at one time the envy of the world. It needs to return to its roots of educating without social engineering or propagandizing political philosophy.

-against Social Security
Conservatives are not against Social Security. We want it removed from the general budget and returned to its own separate trust fund. Return it to a genuine retirement savings plan and remove all the extras that have been hung on it such as disability which has become an income source for a lot of lawyers and people that could legitimately contribute to society.

-against taxing the rich
Its not that conservatives are against taxing the rich as the top 5% of earners in this country pay close to 85% of all taxes. It is that the "rich" are the captains of our industry; they are the ones who make the investments and take the risks of building our economy through the Capitalist system we use. They are entitled to the rewards of their effort. And while there are bad capitalists in the group, they are not stealing money from anyone who is willing to go out and earn it. Raising taxes on the rich only serves to take resources out of the economy that would otherwise be invested to grow the economy.

-against regulations on Wall Street
-against Stimulus plans
These two are so similar, and are opposite sides of the same issue. Conservatives are against over regulation or government over reach. Some regulation is needed, but two much regulation stifles economic productivity, interferes with the normal business cycle, and generally does not protect against the abused the rules are designed to curb. Abuse is going to happen because there are people who will do anything to make a dime. Regulations also tend to favor one business over another and creates artificial competition. It is exactly the same with stimulus; all the evils of over regulation with super sized cronyism. General Motors should have been allowed to fail under protection of bankruptcy law. The Chevrolet would have still been here, but a badly managed and bloated corporation would have reorganized.

-against religious freedom (except for Christians)
Religious tolerance is supported by conservatives. Religious intolerance is not. If you don't want to pry, fine. Don't tell me I can't.

-against evolution
-against science
Evolution exists. Creation exists. Why can't they coexist? Just don't legislate one over the other. Science and Religion are polar opposites. What is observable is always different from what is accepted on faith. See above.

-against me being named king of the universe (this last one is especially irksome and inexplicable)
You can't be named King of the Universe because I already am.