You don't have to forget. But you must know that Your Heavenly Father loves you ! You can give it to Jesus and he will take it when you let go of it.
I called out for years over hateful things I had said.
Judgemental name calling I had inflicted on others. I was the mean girl because I could and because I thought it was funny.
False witness l lied I lied against an innocent knowingly for self gain.
By the time I was 14 I had assaulted my own cousin did I mention he was severely handicapped. I was vile. Devoid of love compassion or empathy. Because it was all about me.
Murder yes murder I knew better and had an abortion anyway.
Giving my child away giving up in self pity and giving my child away. She was ,14 months old and I wanted a better life a different life. Self absorbed selfish and stupid was I . I rationalized it was for the best. NOT
Failed first marriage mostly my fault. The house and sports car business and California life were not enough no I had to be worshipped. Stupid selfish sorry sack that I was I totally screwed up why because I was stuck on self destruct.
Abandoning my own Mother , she lived in a trailer park and worked at a subway and a convalescent home as a maid she begged my forgiveness, nope she wasn't good enough for me. , and my Father well I destroyed him turned him in he lost his business his home and was homeless. And you guessed it I turned him away when he sought shelter. He stood their shivering asking for shelter confessing his regret I told him he wasn't my problem and he should have grown up sooner and closed the door. I was self righteous self absorbed wretch. I was not on drugs or alcohol because I don't believe I had enough of a conscience to feel enough guilt to have a need of self medicating.
Not going to see an aunt or my Grandmother even when I knew they were dying.

Back then it was all about me.
And then one day conviction the Conviction I felt. I would wallow in... Then call out to God I would weep and beg Jesus to just let me sleep, let me forget. I would argue with him over how worthless I was . I couldn't be quiet about all my works my worthless sinful self absorbed shallow self. I refused to listen when over and over I read ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. Oh I still went to church sang the songs started going to a bible study and told no one how much I was racked with guilt how tortured I was every night just looking at my self not in the mirror but at who i was How every night I wished I could take it back. How I begged Jesus to take care of that little girl the one I gave up. How I begged him to help me be a good mother. No one other than those I had already damaged knew I was such a filthy rag. So everyone adored me and I hated that it made it all the worse. I stared into the abyss of my black soul every night.
And every morning I showered went about my day and lived out bible study. Christian music dutiful mothering . Every now and then I would have joy I would be at peace and then out of no where Guilt Shame conviction . more crying out to Jesus. More sleepless nights. FINALLY I LISTENED ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. NOT ONE SHALL COME TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH ME. JESUS THE CHRIST SAID THAT. now earlier that day an older woman shared with me quite out of the blue Honey you just remember to tell that Devil to shut up. Whenever he is telling you you are not good enough or pointing out all your mistakes you just tell him shut up. And go about whatever God has for you to do today. That night I told the devil to shut up.
I have never given a testimony in a church my sisters don't know what I did to our father that night. Only Jesus my cousin and I knew what I did when I was 14 until tonight. GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. I KNOW FOR CERTAIN HE WILL TAKE IT HE WILL TAKE IT ALL. THE DEVIL WILL PUSH POKE PROD AND TRY TO TELL YOU YOU ARE UNWORTHY. AND YOU WILL TELL HIM TO SHUT UP. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU.

First, sorry for the delay; had friends over and could not get back to the thread. Second, a general heartfelt thank you to ALL who responded, no matter the opinion voiced. Third, I was remiss not to describe the regret.

Over ten years of marriage my problem with alcohol steadily progressed despite frequent efforts and endless promises to quit. My wife finally had enough and asked me to leave until I stayed sober. We had a family talk with our daughter the night I was to leave; bad strategy. After it finally dawned on her exactly what was happening, she had a look of total devastation and immediately started crying so hard she could barely catch her breath. That image has haunted me for 34 years. It comes unexpectedly and feels like a quick jab to the gut. That night was just the start to her pain. For the next two and a half years my wife and I would get back together and split, back together and split: each of these episodes were extremely hard on my daughter. I saw her change from a very happy and easy going young girl to be quite quiet and withdrawn, something she still has a tendency to repeat under stress. I feel it was irreparable damage to her character, although she went on to be successful, never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, and now seems happy and content with her husband and two children.

Thank you for the great advice Archie, Armagedden, bigmtman, BigMike, melbell, and Ipnmajor; you'll never know how much I appreciate it. The regret does no one any good and in a way it seems prideful, as if I am saying how could I possibly have acted in such a human way. And then it also seems like a penance that has not yet run its course. With the recent worries about my daughter giving birth, that regret appeared to strengthen. I will make a renewed effort to let it go, both through prayer and meditation. Thanks again for the support. But aren't old guys allowed to whine and mope?

It sounds like you are on the path toward healing. As has been pointed out, if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins. And the Word says that He will remove our sins from us as far as the East is from the West.
So when those thoughts of guilt come to mind remember that those thoughts come from Satan, not God. Satan wants you to feel miserable and unworthy of forgiveness. If Satan can keep you wallowing in feelings of guilt and doubt then you are not likely to be a good worker in God's harvest. The time is short, and God needs all the workers and witnesses He can get. Keep your chin up and press on.

If it is something that happened that many years ago and you are still punishing yourself, you need help and not from the people on OPP who tell you what they think you need to hear. Truth is, if you are a Christian or even believe in God, you recognize what you have done and before you do anything, you go and beg forgiveness from the one you hurt or offended. Then you pray to God to forgive....with the knowledge that you are forgiven. To relive the regret is telling GOD that his promise to forgive is a lie. And the excuse that you are hanging onto it so you can share and teach others...is nothing more than an excuse to go on with a life style you find comforting and when you tell your "story" over and over and over again... you are actually asking for pity. Your shibboleth has outlived its usefulness.

I do not believe this will be your last "poor pitiful me" thread you develop. I think that you need to hear that you are on your way to recovery, or you are a good person, or any number of bromide found on any public restroom.

Now that is the truth. Get angry and spend time trying to find a "ugly but nice" response or read the truth in what I wrote and figure out a way to use all that energy into living better that you will not find regretful or where you will feel the need to be irenic.

"Ugly but nice" response: it that what you feel I already gave or what you anticipate from me? If you feel that I already gave it, then nothing I say now will dissuade your opinion of me. But that is of little or no concern. Just curious.

You seem to have overlooked that I did ask for forgiveness from the one offended and also did a living amends as compensation and restoration. To atone means to change one's ways not simply be sorry for the harm done. No amount of regret, no matter how devastating to the person, is worth anything without metanoia.

First, sorry for the delay; had friends over and could not get back to the thread. Second, a general heartfelt thank you to ALL who responded, no matter the opinion voiced. Third, I was remiss not to describe the regret.

Over ten years of marriage my problem with alcohol steadily progressed despite frequent efforts and endless promises to quit. My wife finally had enough and asked me to leave until I stayed sober. We had a family talk with our daughter the night I was to leave; bad strategy. After it finally dawned on her exactly what was happening, she had a look of total devastation and immediately started crying so hard she could barely catch her breath. That image has haunted me for 34 years. It comes unexpectedly and feels like a quick jab to the gut. That night was just the start to her pain. For the next two and a half years my wife and I would get back together and split, back together and split: each of these episodes were extremely hard on my daughter. I saw her change from a very happy and easy going young girl to be quite quiet and withdrawn, something she still has a tendency to repeat under stress. I feel it was irreparable damage to her character, although she went on to be successful, never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, and now seems happy and content with her husband and two children.

Thank you for the great advice Archie, Armagedden, bigmtman, BigMike, melbell, and Ipnmajor; you'll never know how much I appreciate it. The regret does no one any good and in a way it seems prideful, as if I am saying how could I possibly have acted in such a human way. And then it also seems like a penance that has not yet run its course. With the recent worries about my daughter giving birth, that regret appeared to strengthen. I will make a renewed effort to let it go, both through prayer and meditation. Thanks again for the support. But aren't old guys allowed to whine and mope?

I understand about regret. for years after I found out that my older brother had been molested, and that my father hated him for "letting it happen" and told him he was a "faggot" because at 11 he had sex with an adult male, I blamed myself for not being able to step in and help my brother (I was nine years old when this happened, but in college before I found out about it) Somehow I was sure that if I had only helped him he would not have spent his life going to "gay" bars and getting drunk or stoned and having sex with strangers. That is a primary reason that I work with boys who have been molested. I made up my mind that I could do nothing about my brother but could help kids who were trying to handle the same type of pain. It may not be too late for you to finish healing by spending time working with children of divorce after getting some training in the field. that way you would be helping and healing at the same time. I didn't even see my brother until a few years before he died, this past year. He had disappeared, and since I left home the DAY I graduated from high school and never spoke to my father again after I found out what he had done, there was little contact there either. As long as you remain drug and alcohol free that is a good step but helping kids might help you as well. fortunately I was able to escape the drug and alcohol part while in college and haven't gone back!