For many, this may a straightforward issue to deal with, from personal convictions to a matter of faith. I am not so clear. Despite the clear and nearly intellectual understanding for the need to release the sins of the past and acknowledge self-forgiveness, I am unable to do so. In no way do I find this resistance or reluctance to let go of past wrongs as admirable. Which is not quite true, for part of me needs to be beaten by regrets. It seems wrong to give them up, as if a time limit were there to excuse offenses.

AA says, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I seem unable to comply. Certain memories of past bad actions are like a punch to the stomach; over thirty years and remains true and painful.

Help me.

If you don't mind an opinion from a dumbass Rumi, here is mine: Quit beating yourself up for stupid things, bad decisions you have made in the past. Yes, we all have some regrets. Some worse than others. If you cling on to those regrets, and stop improving, you will get nowhere. It is the PAST!! Let it go!! Just drag yourself up, pick em up, put em down, and march ahead twords what you want to be as a person.
I don't mean this to be offensive, and hope it isn't; but you can't define yourself by being self-rightously, and narrowmindedly religious. I have struggled for years to find my relationship with God. Honestly, people who come across like you do have made it hard.
Let go of the past, make your apologies, and move on!

Even God can't change the past. We all have suffered bad cases of not being able to forgive ourselves. when you really look at it. Not forgiving yourself is doubting the worth of Jesus dying on the cross.

I have a past that would make your toenails curl, I struggled with it for years, But 1 John 1:9 Tells us if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.

The Past is gone, we don't know the future, all we have any control over is today. The only thing I do with the past is use it as a reminder of the fear, pain, and hurt I went through and put others through. I briefly let it fly by in memory as a reminder to keep my eyes on Jesus and thank Him daily for turning my life around before it was too late.

Rumi, live each day in peace, when the past tries to condemn you, don't argue with it or let it beat you down, take it to Jesus and leave it.

Casting your cares on Him for He cares for you.

All of us wish we could have do overs regarding aspects of our past. My first wife died at age thirty four from breast cancer. I remarried too soon which was a mistake. The marriage ended in divorce after eleven years. BUT I did get two sons from the marriage whom I love very much. So while the marriage was a mistake, my sons were not. Sometimes we have to take the bad along with the good. Often we neglect to seek the Lord's will for decisions we make. But it does us no good to beat ourselves up or dwell on past mistakes.
I have heard Pastor John Hagee preach that, "The past is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."
We also must learn to not only forgive others but to forgive ourselves knowing that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us.

It isn't easy for me either. I'm sorta like a dog who buries his bone when it comes to regret, shame and anger. I bury them, thinking I've overcome and then I go dig them back up to chew on them for a while.

That habit is merely an excuse to drink. My addictions trying desperately to protect themselves. They don't call it "spirits" for nothing. I have to quit buying my own bullshit. Daily!

And intelligent people have it doubly hard, oh yeah! We can come up with really plausible reasons for our bullshit!

I've discovered it's not enough for me to face all those things. I have to embrace them! Make them my friends, because they are valuable! Experiences and feelings that I can share with others who need to hear about them.

I've also discovered that at any time I could have turned around. I just wasn't ready. It was never that I couldn't. It was always that I wouldn't. Not on my own, of course. I went to the Salvation Army for 8 months. The help was there, but I had to decide to take it.

All the best Rumi. :thumbup:

You don't have to forget. But you must know that Your Heavenly Father loves you ! You can give it to Jesus and he will take it when you let go of it.
I called out for years over hateful things I had said.
Judgemental name calling I had inflicted on others. I was the mean girl because I could and because I thought it was funny.
False witness l lied I lied against an innocent knowingly for self gain.
By the time I was 14 I had assaulted my own cousin did I mention he was severely handicapped. I was vile. Devoid of love compassion or empathy. Because it was all about me.
Murder yes murder I knew better and had an abortion anyway.
Giving my child away giving up in self pity and giving my child away. She was ,14 months old and I wanted a better life a different life. Self absorbed selfish and stupid was I . I rationalized it was for the best. NOT
Failed first marriage mostly my fault. The house and sports car business and California life were not enough no I had to be worshipped. Stupid selfish sorry sack that I was I totally screwed up why because I was stuck on self destruct.
Abandoning my own Mother , she lived in a trailer park and worked at a subway and a convalescent home as a maid she begged my forgiveness, nope she wasn't good enough for me. , and my Father well I destroyed him turned him in he lost his business his home and was homeless. And you guessed it I turned him away when he sought shelter. He stood their shivering asking for shelter confessing his regret I told him he wasn't my problem and he should have grown up sooner and closed the door. I was self righteous self absorbed wretch. I was not on drugs or alcohol because I don't believe I had enough of a conscience to feel enough guilt to have a need of self medicating.
Not going to see an aunt or my Grandmother even when I knew they were dying.

Back then it was all about me.
And then one day conviction the Conviction I felt. I would wallow in... Then call out to God I would weep and beg Jesus to just let me sleep, let me forget. I would argue with him over how worthless I was . I couldn't be quiet about all my works my worthless sinful self absorbed shallow self. I refused to listen when over and over I read ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. Oh I still went to church sang the songs started going to a bible study and told no one how much I was racked with guilt how tortured I was every night just looking at my self not in the mirror but at who i was How every night I wished I could take it back. How I begged Jesus to take care of that little girl the one I gave up. How I begged him to help me be a good mother. No one other than those I had already damaged knew I was such a filthy rag. So everyone adored me and I hated that it made it all the worse. I stared into the abyss of my black soul every night.
And every morning I showered went about my day and lived out bible study. Christian music dutiful mothering . Every now and then I would have joy I would be at peace and then out of no where Guilt Shame conviction . more crying out to Jesus. More sleepless nights. FINALLY I LISTENED ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. NOT ONE SHALL COME TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH ME. JESUS THE CHRIST SAID THAT. now earlier that day an older woman shared with me quite out of the blue Honey you just remember to tell that Devil to shut up. Whenever he is telling you you are not good enough or pointing out all your mistakes you just tell him shut up. And go about whatever God has for you to do today. That night I told the devil to shut up.
I have never given a testimony in a church my sisters don't know what I did to our father that night. Only Jesus my cousin and I knew what I did when I was 14 until tonight. GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. I KNOW FOR CERTAIN HE WILL TAKE IT HE WILL TAKE IT ALL. THE DEVIL WILL PUSH POKE PROD AND TRY TO TELL YOU YOU ARE UNWORTHY. AND YOU WILL TELL HIM TO SHUT UP. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU.

Now for the rest of the story.
I was forgiven by my first husband. A year later I met a godly man . He loves God with all of his heart. He meditates on the Bible. He is just wonderful. Two years later we were married. We have been married for 18 years next week.
When we married we planned on having a large family. It didn't happen after 3 years we sought a fertility specialist. Tests tests more tests had to be him right. WRONG it's me. Scar tissue. Hmmm OK IVF well on the day I got the prescription everything went wrong I missed getting to the pharmacy on time. Im devastated. More delays. That night I received a call collect from the county jail a young lady who worked for me didn't know why she called but shared how badly she screwed up. Limited to 15 minutes then she has to call back sometimes she has to wait in line so it's not always immediate. By the third call she shares she just gave birth weeks earlier and she is just gonna sign some papers tomorrow to put that baby up for adoption. She is devastated I share only that I placed a daughter up for adoption not the details. i shared that it was one of my biggest regrets. To think carefully. Don't just do it, sign the papers without knowing her own fate.
Well several calls later and the next day I am agreeing to be the God mother of this child. In one weekend I went from trying to get pregnant to caring for an infant. We picked up that little girl Monday. Tuesday the judge signed the papers granting guardianship. That little girl her birthday was the day after the birthday of the little girl I gave up almost 12 years earlier. They are 13 years 1 day apart. For twelve years I would argue with the devil over the child I placed up for adoption. Little did I know in one year I would be buying balloons making a cake and telling the devil to shut up for the last time. All the while doing what I had before me that day you know getting on with what the Lord had for me that day.
Well , we ended up adopting that little girl she is 14 now. She's happy, she's a much better person than I was at her age. She's kind thoughtful and funny. The little girl I gave up is back in my life too. She had wonderful Christian parents. She is a Christian although she was rebellious as a teenager she is a wonderful gracious person and she got there way before i did. The one I had that I was dutifully mothering is grown a Christian and just lovely. They all make good choices. They don't hurt anybody. They know what anyone who has ever had the grace to expirence is that conviction is harder than being wronged. The Bible is right it is better to be offended than be the offender.
Better still is to be forgiven , free , and all you have to do is believe. If you will believe that he died for you . You can give it to him he will take it. And one day, for him, this foreign former self not in the least resembling you . (for you will be made anew in Christ. ) will be there but also not I know it seems surreal now. But it happens. I remember who I was . but I know she can't hurt anyone ever again. Because she's gone and yet I am still here only I don't live for me anymore. I now live for Jesus. And sometimes something I never would have been capable of as my former self happens and I am there and I know it's not really me it is Jesus.
Hope this helped you.
You are very important . You are his and he only made one of you. Think about that you are irreplaceable.

Reliving or resenting past issues is pointless and counter productive. However, remembering them and the feelings those behaviors evoked, is an important tool for improving one's behavior and avoiding making the same mistakes. The difference is in the level of "immersion" one makes in the remembering of those things.

Remembering past wrong doing and the feelings associated with them, without experiencing the feelings all over again, is the key to overcoming regret. One should never dismiss the wrongs one has committed, but one does not have to experience the bad feelings again - just remember them. It is like remembering stubbing a toe and the pain that resulted, without experiencing the pain itself again.

Another thread that is so ..... well, no nice way to say it....so, I will jump on in. You are whining yet again. Now I understand the need to whine once in a while, but there comes a time when you really need to man up. I find it funny, your whining is far worse than any child on a playground with the I AM FIRST. Whiners drive me crazy, but we all do it. And we all roll our eyes when someone starts again with a pity party and all are invited to wipe our tears away. Some...well, they do it much too often.

I guess some people are just more predisposed to whining than others. They have this burning need to connect. Sharing your woes with another person makes you feel a little less alone in the world. You want other people to “feel your pain,” to share in your ups and downs, and to acknowledge your efforts. This is not a bad thing. When you’re feeling down, comforting words from someone who cares can be a soft safe place to land.

But unfortunately whining can become a habit. Your natural desire for connection often leads to false conclusions about how other people will respond when they hear your woes.

You (mistakenly) believe that if others truly understood how tough you have it, they would respect and admire you. Sadly, it doesn’t work this way. Telling people how hard things are evokes pity and sympathy at best, and boredom and disdain at worst.

On to your newest whine.... if you are religious, and I am in doubt, before you can even approach God (or Jesus) you must first beg forgiveness from the one you wronged. Until you make it right with them, you will not have peace. Go look it up....start with Matthew chapter 5.

One time, when talking to the Lord, I was discussing forgiveness - I had been reading the Bible, but don't remember which book, chapter, verse.

At any rate, I said, "I find it easy to forgive others. It's over and done, why carry a grudge over something past!" Then went on to say, "...but, I find I can't forgive myself." It was one of those times that a person will tell you, they heard another voice. It said to me, "If I can forgive you, Who are you that you cannot forgive yourself?"

So the question is, Rumi, just Who do you think You are?

It sounds like you are on the path toward healing. As has been pointed out, if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins. And the Word says that He will remove our sins from us as far as the East is from the West.
So when those thoughts of guilt come to mind remember that those thoughts come from Satan, not God. Satan wants you to feel miserable and unworthy of forgiveness. If Satan can keep you wallowing in feelings of guilt and doubt then you are not likely to be a good worker in God's harvest. The time is short, and God needs all the workers and witnesses He can get. Keep your chin up and press on.

Thank you. This regret is 34 years in the past. I have asked forgiveness from the one harmed and did my best to live the kind of life for the past thirty years (as of the 17th this month) in our relationship not only out of love but perpetual amends. The way I lived for about decade should have had me in the Black Hole of Calcutta. Instead, I have been abundantly blessed since the day grace allowed me to change my ways. Close family, many good friends, and security.

It is true I can whine and complain about certain things to make me appear ever so sensitive and good, worthy, as you say of respect and admiration. And that may be true of this last "whine." (Saving the best whine for last?) I do invite all I know to call me on my stuff. Even though you needed no such invitation, I thank you for taking the time to respond and your honesty. In things like this, it is better to hear all the voices and not be selective.