Don G. Dinsdale Loc: El Cajon, CA (San Diego County)

THE NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF . . . .


Still Funny... Loved The "Fart" Statement #5, ha... Go To The Bathroom Before Reading, Please... Don D.

We couldn’t stop crying because it’s so humorous!

This is an actual account as related to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MEGA-MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S ALMOST FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S BARELY-LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili... Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone...

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing... It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway... If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself... Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

I stopped reading twice due to almost uncontrollable laughter. I waited 10 minutes before I could write this...my stomach muscles are still tied in painful knots.

Dr. Evil Loc: In Your Face

As a northerner, I'm afraid I would be a worse judge than #3.

peter11937 Loc: NYS

If it gets too hot, a teaspoon of sour cream takes the bite away with no drama, water/beer makes the heat stronger before it cools, and the peppers they were were, after all, low on the heat level too.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

Hysterical!!!!!

Doubt I’ll be attending any New Mexico Chili cook offs.. Went ahead and cancelled the one coming up in a week ...

Loki Loc: Georgia

New Mexico chili cook offs are wonderful events. New Mexican chili is the best. (I'm understandably prejudiced.)
New Mexico has Chimayo peppers, Georgia has Vidalia onions. One day I will come up with a chili featuring both of these veggies. I still maintain that chili should be made with lean shredded beef and pinto beans, sufficient tomatoes and bell peppers along with the hotter variety. Other ingredients can and do vary.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

That sounds excellent!!! When is dinner??

I must agree with you about the New Mexico Chili cook offs... I have a friend that lives there and she invited me down last year to go to one.... Talk about a fan fair of some of the best chili I ever had😅< hot, hot, hot!! Others, strange, there was a white chili that was done with white beans and burned my eyes out practically..Held out in the yard area of a local bank that spilled over into the parking lot.. Everyone under tents and plenty of cornbread, deep fried, and rice, lots of different cheeses as you went from one booth to the next...

Had a good band playing too.. It was fun!!!

I love vidalia onions!! Always have and get them when available.. Georgia Peaches too, yummmmmyyy !!!

Peewee Loc: San Antonio, TX

Same here Pop. I totally lost it where it says his "intestines are now a straight pipe". My stomach hurts too.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Hilarious Sounds much like the Original World Chili Cook-off in Terlingua, Texas in 1967. The following was a write-up of the event...

'1967 Winner of International Chili Society in Terlingua, Texas. This is H. Allen Smith's recipe which actually tied for first place back at the first annual World Championship Chili Cook-Off in Terlingua, Texas with *Wick Fowler's chili recipe. According to the ICS it was a shoot-out between Wick Fowler and H. Allen Smith. There were three judges; Hallie Stilwell, Floyd Schneider and Dave Witts. Hallie voted for H. Allen, Floyd voted for Wick. Dave Witts, the self- proclaimed mayor of Terlingua and third judge, spat out both samples and declared his taste buds were ruined! He called it a draw and declared a moratorium for one year.'

Recipe Ingredients:

4 pounds coarse-ground sirloin or tenderloin
Olive oil or butter
1 to 2 (6-ounces each) cans tomato paste, diluted with equal amounts of water or more depending on desired consistency
3 to 4 medium onions, chopped, about 3 cups
1 green bell pepper, chopped, about 3/4 cup
2 to 10 cloves of garlic, minced (or to taste)
3 tablespoons commercial chili powder, or more to taste
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon dried sweet basil
Salt and pepper to taste

Cooking Directions:

In a 4-quart pot, cook meat in a little olive oil or butter (or a blend of the two) until no longer pink. Drain excess fat.
Add remaining ingredients and simmer 2 to 3 hours with the lid on.

Makes 6 to 8 servings.

Recipe provided courtesy of the International Chili Society.

*Wick Fowler eventually came out with his own famous 2-Alarm Chili recipe mix

out of the woods Loc: to hell and gone New York State

That was too funny! I love hot, but feel there a line crossed, when you can taste nothing else. South westerners must build up a tolerance.

Big dog

GREAT stuff, especially since my Honey is making chilli right now.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

Sounds like a winner!!! Keeping this to try the next snow day~~

Thank You much!!!

Mike Easterday

I entered 1 once with a friend of mine . We used bean and any hot seasonings and hot peppers we could get our hands on . Boiled it a few hours before the contest. Our high school principal thought we were out to get him!!!😀😀😀

bahmer

All very good thanks for the belly laugh. Great.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

Lolol~~

Cone on you can admit it, you were trying to get him..,, lolol