I've been telling so many people for years what a great job being a handyman is. That's what I did for a living starting at about age 35 and I soon saved enough money to buy an apartment building which I got paid off by age 62, at which time I retired. I always did things by the bid, did quality work and figured out a lot of slick shortcuts , including the use of products for things other than for what they were intended. I did top-quality work, including lawless plaster and stucco patching and never took advantage of anyone. When I quit in 2006 I was easily making $300 a day or more. I specialize only in small jobs working for 3 to 6 different people a day, never taking a job. I couldn't complete in the same day. About one out of every 7 or 8 jobs was something like starting a stock garbage disposal or a running toilet where I could be out the door within 10 minutes with a minimum charge check. The independence and ability to arrange your own hours and not having a s***e driving boss in a job where your undervalued and underpaid makes it a job worth quitting your present job that required a college education to get (as I did) . If you got common sense, take things one step at a time you can learn enough to become quite proficient within 3 months or so. Being a handyman literally save my life and made me comfortably wealthy.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the sh*t. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table ... everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the backyard was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene .... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.....

Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the i******s came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; Your child's second-grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving f**gs other than ‘ours’ are
squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the sh*t!

That's no fun, you will miss the point of most jokes! You should do something besides walk the beast for entertainment value!

Straightening up is generally a good move but no one is comfortable around one who is plum stiff!

I'm re evaluating the merits of couch dancing.

I'm watching the sun set from my wheelchair on the deck, pipe in hand, waiting for the salmon to reach my preferred level of crisp on the grill. Baked potatoes already done and warming. Steamed brocolli, add cheese.

Do I need creamed corn? Nah, I can add more Kcals with cool whip on the fruit and not have to chew the corn lumps. Maybe I can get in more calories if I hide them in the potato somewhere......

The cat is on the steps daintily licking at what's left of some unlucky small rodent.

You do you, hear?

Life is good.

Wrong number.

No one here by that description.

Keep on with your paint by number. Be sure to stay in the lines and use only the approved indicated colors.

Be awful if you came up with something original, now.

Only an i***t thinks he is actually trapped by wet paint, rather than restrained by the positive regard, deserved or not, he has for the fruit of his own creative effort.

The only worse i***ts are those who remain, considering themselves trapped by the dried paint, once they wake up from their nap.

God Checks Up On Adam


God creates Adam on the sixth day. After a few weeks, he checks upon His creation. He sees Adam, dejected and sad.

"What is wrong, my son?", says God.

"Well," said Adam, "The Garden of Eden is beautiful, and I want for nothing. And yet... I am lonely and sad."

"Don't be sad, my child. I have just the creation for you. It is named Eve, something known as "woman". She will take good care of you with the utmost patience, sweetness, and forbearance. She will also put up with your bodily sounds, snoring and nights out with your friends. I am sure you will be truly happy then."

Adam says, "That sounds quite nice. But...what is the catch?"

"It will cost you your right arm and your right leg," answered God.

"That's a bit much," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

And We All Know What You Get When You Pay To Little!!!