Highlander66 Loc: Illinois

I don’t post much on here because it’s mostly depressing and it seems like nobody is really listening to each other anyway, but this is a topic I’m familiar with. I’ve been in clinical depression for the last year or so and am fully aware of the mindset of suicide being a reasonable solution to your current problems. I have trouble putting into words what exactly it feels like when you are thinking about it but there’s a black emptiness in your mind that nothing seems to fill. You can understand cognitively that people care about you but in your head it doesn’t matter. Nothing you do matters. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for people around you. You can keep smiling and make people think everything is fine but you just want to break off contact and be alone. When you try to talk to people about how you feel you either get blown off or they tell you to “cheer up” like it’s a switch you can turn on or off. I was going through my divorce on top of everything else and didn’t have anybody to go to other than a coworker who happened to be a psychologist. She might have saved my life. I don’t know. There was actually a person on this site that helped more than they know. They reached out to me in a pm and was tremendously encouraging. You get to a point where you feel nothing. No anger, no joy nothing. This is worse than pain. I have recovered greatly but I will just say I kind of understand where some of these people were coming from who chose to take that step. Again I appreciate you who were supporting me. You don’t even know sometimes who is hurting. I’m trying to be kind to everyone I meet just because I don’t want to add to their pain. Sometimes you can’t see it. That’s all. Sorry to ramble.

okie don

Good to hear you cleared the depression hurdles 😁

Highlander66 Loc: Illinois

Thank you.

archie bunker Loc: Texas

I'm glad you had somebody you felt you could have talked to, and got help.
I've always wondered why my friend never said a word. We were close, very close. My soon to be 33 year old daughters first word was his name. Bobby. It crushed my kids as well.
Thank God you're still here!!

Rose42

That was no ramble. I’m glad someone helped you and you’re better and still around! Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Highlander66 Loc: Illinois

I think I know why he never said anything. You don’t want to draw other people into your misery. You pull you metaphorical fences in tight so you don’t put your malaise onto anyone else. The Dr I talked to at work actually came to me and made me talk to her. Her job there is to work with ptsd veterans and she caught on to me pretty quick. I’m not a military vet but she said it was a very similar issue. She still has me swing by her office and talk some mornings. My basis for my depression had little to do with the economy or my income or lack there of. I care very little for material things. I live out in the country and am fairly self sufficient. I am glad for the strong economy, don’t get me wrong, but this is Illinois so as far as the state goes we are still basically screwed. I do appreciate the support tho. Some of you guys are good people that I’d like to meet someday.

Richard Rowland

I'm glad you decided to post, Highlander. You've described how I've been feeling of late, by your comments of feeling no anger, and no joy. I'll take it a bit farther, no real enthusiasm for anything, and always a sense of apprehension and reluctance to do anything that takes me out of my comfort zone.

However, I hide it well. BB King's song, "The Thrill Is Gone" best describes my present state.

Highlander66 Loc: Illinois

I get you, brother. Everyone is different. I was lucky enough to define the root cause and distance myself from it. I’m still struggling to get motivated to do stuff I used to love but it’s coming back. My garden has always been therapy for me. I may eventually pick up my guitar again. Right now I’m ok with coming home from work and going for a long walk and enjoying a quiet house. It’s always in the background and sometimes it’s still overwhelming but it’s not beating me anymore. Pm me if you want to talk more.

archie bunker Loc: Texas

I hope you keep talking to that gal. You're worth keeping, and I'm sure you have friends, and family who feel the same.
I can't claim to have any understanding since I've never experienced it, but I know that we're all here for a purpose. Maybe we don't know what that purpose is, but, we are.

Rose42

I agree with Archie - we all have a purpose. And by sharing your story you may have helped someone.

Highlander66 Loc: Illinois

I hope so.

archie bunker Loc: Texas

Me too. And I hope, and pray that you keep up the fight, and find peace, and happiness!!