permafrost Loc: Minnesota

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
* * * *
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
* * * *
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
* * * *
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
* * * *
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp...
* * * *
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
* * * *
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her bathroom scales.
And then the fight started......
* * * *
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too."
And then the fight started...
* * * *
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."
And then the fight started........
* * * *
I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.

ssgtgood

Funny, funny funny, thanks!

Zemirah Loc: Sojourner En Route...

Your cheerful mood this morning surely implies that you really enjoyed President Trump's stunningly p**********l speech last evening.

permafrost Loc: Minnesota

Zem,

Lets not go nuts about this.... LOL

His speech was well written and well rehearsed.. Something he needed from the git go..

Now I will watch with interest if his actions match his speech in any way..

I do not think much of that will happen..

Zemirah Loc: Sojourner En Route...

Forgive me for crossing over the line of division into chit-chat land;
a door I rarely darken, and broaching the forbidden subject of politics.

Thank you for your unexpectedly civil response.

permafrost Loc: Minnesota

bahmer

Very very funny all of them thanks.

badbobby Loc: texas

I knew that deep down you had a sense of humor Perm

okie don

good un's
thanx frosty

teabag09

Thank you for being full of surprises. LOL. Mike