eagleye13 Loc: Fl

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:
Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole t***h.




And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

cSc61 Loc: Austin

Good stuff!

jimahrens Loc: California

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Here's a few more:

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

Definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.

Retirement Speech Jokes, Also Suitable for Appraisals

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
This man has delusions of adequacy.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but she only gargles.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

ACP45 Loc: Rhode Island

My Favorite Things (AARP Version) by Julie Andrews


To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things..

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

eagleye13 Loc: Fl

Why I Like Retirement!
I lived long enough to see America waking up!

badbobby Loc: texas

methinkls
you are one eagleye