archie bunker Loc: Texas

You may have seen this, or I may have posted it in years past but it's still funny!!
http://sfglobe.com/2014/12/18/hY7/

It's a few years old but I love this one! It makes me laugh every year!!

Timmy writes a Christmas Letter

Dear Santa

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

* *
Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social sk**ls and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and wh**ever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your s**t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me wh**ever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

son of witless

I would not mess with the Fat Man.

Big dog

Is Santa really fat or is he just dressed up in so many layers of clothing to keep himself warm while flying around the world at super sonic speed s at high altitude ?

son of witless

That red suit is warm.

Big dog

I'm wearing a red suit but it's under all my other layers.

boatbob2

Please leave the Cookies and Milk,on the back stoop (steps) that way I will know where they are,instead of having to look thruout the whole house,,, ( I get hungry on Christmas eve)

son of witless

Cookies and milk nothing. For bringing us the Trump victory this year you get a bottle of your favorite Adult beverage. Now what do you and Mrs. Claus drink on those cold winter days in the Great White north?

Big dog

Spiced Rum. It helps melt the ice off my glasses.

son of witless

Done. I will send out an open E-Mail to all parents and grandparents of good little boys and girls to have a bottle on the back porch. That is going to be a jolly return flight back north. I assume you have a designated elf driver. Any porch without spiced rum is likely bad little boys and girls or liberals for parents.

Big dog

I never drive the sleigh home. The reindeer all know the way. Besides, I can't trust the elves, I know they have some schnapps stashed in the sleigh.

son of witless

I hear that before cars, many an impaired horse and buggy driver allowed the horse to go where he wanted to because he knew the way home to his barn.

archie bunker Loc: Texas

Excellent choice sir! My wife makes a mean flat iron steak, so I'll leave one for you! You'll be needing your energy! Medium rare work?

Big dog

EXACTLY ! That's why I can trust the reindeer, all except Blitzen, he's a lush. Ever see a drunk reindeer ? It's funny, but not easy to fly with !