Singularity

Okay. So I am planning a Satanic ritual for midnight on Halloween.

I do not believe Satan is a real entity, but the object of my ire DOES!

I have a rental house, with four bedrooms, two stories, garage and basement. I leased it to a couple, their three grown to teenage children, one of whom has a nine year old. A little crowded I thought, but when each teenage and adult child's sex partner also moved in along with someone else's two teenage sons and their girlfriends, then missed the security deposit payment and second months rent, I knew I was in trouble. When a promised week late catch-up payment was also missed, we had the eviction conversation and they claimed it would take at least a month to get out, AFTER they find another suitable place, which could take a considerable time, meanwhile the utilities,water and electricity (for the dryer) has quadrupled from normal with nine adults daily showers and laundry… which is covered as part of the lease…. Which isn't getting paid...

They are very calm and polite, just complacent that the law will let them live in my house rent free until at least after the holidays. They prayed over me. They ask God to bless me several times per conversation. They want to have a ritual to bless the house… they plan a neighborhood Halloween party.

So, I'm planning to perform a Satanic ritual, cursing interlopers and cheaters, such that “ not a thing to which you put your hand will profit you or any who associates with you, until my unholy servant, the landlord, is restored from the effects of your sins and feeling amicable towards you once again. And, since you have sinned against your own GOD in this respect by cruelly treating and cheating another human in this manner to whom you are commanded to show love to the same degree as you love yourselves, do not rely on any protection from your GOD until you have repented and restored Satan's servant, the landlord, to her prior undamaged position as this is also your GOD'S command!

Again, I don't believe this crap. The important point is that they do.

I plan to arrive at 11:30pm with a couple kegs, a couple hundred red cups and announce free beer for anyone except the tenants until it runs out, in order to produce a horde of followers. Six of my women friends and I (seven “High Priestesses”) will wear black robes, red face and hand paint and chant while marching around the lawn, ending at the altar I shall erect in the front lawn surrounded by a flaming pentagram. I shall call for silence and slaughter a chicken per interloper while intoning their name, sprinkling it's blood on all the entrance/exits.

Then, as I still retain possession of the basement, and feel a need to stay nearby to prevent damage to the property by daily inspections (where I might also place funny sachets of roots, herbs and grubs at prominent locations,) I will also continue the “vigil,” chanting and playing recorded praise Satan music in the basement at noon, midnight and two am daily, just audibly, until they leave, (not noise complaint level,) and post a large copy of my curse, the tenets of Satanism and the Satanic Rules of the Earth on MY basement door.

And leave the altar and pentagram burned into the front lawn. Grass needs to be redone in the Spring anyway.

I do respect the law, even when it is useless to me, so I will be consulting an attorney regarding how far I can lean on the fence bordering illegal territory without significant exposure or loss.

Freedom of religion dude! It is a deeply held belief that I should be paid for my services. The ”LAW” may assist me in removing them only after due process in a few months. I am more impatient.

Comments?

mcmlx

Sounds a bit overboard, but I don't know the eviction process or how long it takes.
I would probably have the electricity cut, along with water.
It is your property.
I do know that tenants don't have a say as to when their property is put out onto the lawn.
Start the eviction process yesterday.

Singularity

Tennessee law is stacked in favor of tenants. Anyone who has spent the night and received mail at the address, can only be evicted by due process which begins with a 30 eviction notice requirement which they can protest and take to court only after the 30 day notice. A process that can take up to a couple three more months before I can bring the sheriff and have them physically removed. Then I must protect the property if they leave any behind.

Seriously crossed my mind to let the space heater start a fire in the basement! But I can't afford the amount of damage it would take to clear them out. Then I thought I could make it appear haunted by the handyman who had lived in the basement when they moved in, they met and were friendly as he helped carry belongings into the house as they moved in. He unexpectedly died a week after they moved in.

But, when they complacently leaned back and opined it would take "a while" to find another place and at least a month to move, and "God bless you for how good you are being with us." And quoted the Bible to me, and reminded me of the blessing of the house for them
next Sunday...

It became clear they were not Christians or even good people in any sense of the word! And that they respect/fear blessings and curses.

So...

I'm having a Halloween party...

Perhaps the chicken sacrifices are going a little too far....

mcmlx

Wow. A law stacked in favor of squatters not holding up their terms of the lease.
Pitiful.
Is part of your responsibility to still provide them water and electricity?
Your predicament makes me ill.
Although the red tape, beaurocratic hoops you have to jump through to obtain what is rightfully yours seems overwhelming, going to the county council and city hall sure would be a start.
Your party will be tomorrow night and I would really like to know what comes of it.
I truly wish you the best of results.
Keep me posted.
mcmlx

Singularity

I plan to see the attorney to see if there is any other remedy. The lease forbids subleasing to anyone not on the lease so I can get a restraining order for anyone not on the lease unless they have received ma at that address.l

Hey. I still get mail there and it's zoned as a single family dwelling so instead of just moving into the basement, I could insist on having the master suite to myself! And eat lots and lots of beans and broccoli and prunes. I have a medical condition that makes me incontinent of stool at times. Just can't help letting go... Be a shame if it happened repeatedly while I'm sitting on their sofa or if, say, for whatever reason I was squatting in the kitchen, maybe inspecting the garbage disposal...

Who the F thought that law was a good idea!!!

I've talked to some music industry people with tattoos, piercings and weird hair. They think it would be a hoot to perform with me!

I will keep posting as this develops...

If they get mad and threaten me in any way, they are given 3 days to vacate after I immediately obtain a restraining order.

I'm hoping there might be some way to make them abandon the premises long enough to change the locks on them. Somehow, I don't see them calling the cops to get back in. Still not sure what dark forces they could muster, however.

Their stuff might pick up a few dollars in a yard sale and maybe they won't want them if I include every single possession, object or even scrap of paper under the Satanic Curse.

mcmlx

You may not get anything for the sofa onto which you "let go".

mcmlx

And I like that three days to vacate rule.
Plus the restraining order.

Singularity

Excellent point! Or the oven!

Singularity

I'm not always lovable I can be a bit vexing at times when properly motivated or triggered, or perhaps a bit bored! Teasing them in the hope they threaten me sufficiently to aquire the restraining order would be tricky and a little risky. I would need a capable body guard or two in case I incorrectly estimate the tenants' fuses! Last count there were four adult men and two teenagers at the house.

Perhaps there are candidates amongst the beer thirsty Satanic Horde...

mcmlx

A landlord is not supposed to be lovable.
That's why contracts are made.
Don't be scared. I'm sure you will find more than plenty candidates amongst the Satanic Horde.

Singularity

Really glad the house is over insured...

mcmlx

You bet!!

Singularity

So, I cooled down after talking to the attorney and setting in motion the practical instruments and notices to get this family moved out.

Amusingly he DID say that the ritual would have been legal as long as nothing precluded their full reasonable enjoyment of the property!

I have decided on a more subtle approach.

I shall begin by first mailing a large postcard to myself at the property address, stating "I am representing a local coven and we are seeking space to meet, discuss, learn and enact Satanic Rituals and to store some of our "stuff." I have heard you have a vacant basement area...."

Moving further in small increments depending on their responses.

mcmlx

Fine choice. And I sure would understand if you had have gone all the way with your plan.
Still, it is imperative that the eviction notice is served asap.
Your new idea has some merit.

mcmlx

And the single family clause is contingent on how the state defines single family.
Maybe lawyer could explain.
The tenants have broken the contract by not paying you for accommodation.
I'm neither a lawyer or a landlord, however, I believe when the original contract is broken, or not fulfilled, that the contract is null and void.