Don G. Dinsdale Loc: El Cajon, CA (San Diego County)

THEN WE ELECT THEM TO RUN OUR COUNTRY, ARE WE STUPID OR WHAT?
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I would love to have seen the look on the faces of the jury when some of the questions were asked of the witness.

How do court stenographers keep a straight face..

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place...
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you s**tting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you attend?

WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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I have a daughter who is an attorney, and one is a drug addict (recovering), I'm not sure after reading these who is the smarter?? ha... Don D.

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

Yep, been there done that. I was a witness at a courts martial once, where the defendant was accused of committing armed robbery. It was my roommate who robbed my ward of it's narcotics.

Prosecutor: Did you know the defendant?
Me: Yes

P: How do you know the defendant?
M: He was my roommate.

P: So he lived in the same barracks you did?
M: Yes, his half of the room was in the same building.

P: Are you a firearms expert?
M: No.

P: But you wear an "expert" ribbon.
M: That says I'm an expert marksman, not a firearms expert.

P: Ok, so what weapon did the defendant use?
M: I wouldn't know, as I wasn't there when the robbery occurred.

P: If you had been there, what weapon would you have expected the defendant to use?
M: Wh**ever weapon he had on him at the time.