slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Why is it called 'after dark' when it's really after light?

Will you pass the salt? I don't know, how fast is it going?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

I don't like practical jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I've had to reboot my computer...Oh, wait. He does!

If you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, you'll have trouble getting your pants on.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

I want to invent a phone-less cord for people who are longing for peace and quiet.

If crime doesn't pay, does that mean my job is a crime?

"I have never k**led a man, but I've read many an obituary with great pleasure"...Mark Twain.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

We child-proofed our home years ago, but they're still getting in.

Marriage is a three-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering...Anonymous.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Dead batteries are given away free of charge.

When a clock is really hungry, does it go back 4 seconds?

:mrgreen:

JimMe

"Off The Wall" is more like "Hitting The Head With The Nail"

Coos Bay Tom Loc: coos bay oregon

I must be a clock because I always go back for seconds.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbup:

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I go back until there is no more...then, I seek other sources. :-P :oops:

vernon

very good,i really like the one about practice.

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

Is the wall you referred to, the one you banged your head on and got a percussion? If so, may I suggest wearing a percussion cap?

Speaking of which, I've always been confused about why, when my house burns down, my stuff burns up. How does a fire know what direction it is supposed to be burning? I set my neighbors house on fire, to see if I could get it to burn UP and his stuff to burn DOWN - but I couldn't tell the difference.

Hey, do you happen to know the difference between a "pounding rain" and a "deluge"? In my county, we recently had a pounding rain, but the county next door had a deluge, according to the news channels, but when I drove to the next county - the rain looked exactly the same. I also don't know the difference between a flash flood, a flood and high water. I've been in the middle of all three and they looked alike to me.

Now you've got ME banging my head against a wall. I'm going to go get my percussion cap right now. :?

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

As a medical professional, Doc, you should keep your percussion cap available at all times. :wink: Just a thought. :lol:

Rufus Loc: Deep South

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: I'm sure I am not the first to think of this, but I had a friend who was a doctor. I used to tell him I will be glad when you stop practicing and get it right. :lol: :lol: :lol:

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Was this friend also your psychiatrist...just askin' :?: :mrgreen:

Rufus Loc: Deep South

No sir. If I had your money maybe I could afford a psychiatrist. God knows I need one. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

vernon

coos i hope you had a good christmas.

Coos Bay Tom Loc: coos bay oregon

It was really nice me and my wife and two grandkids. lots of presents. We played with the new toys all day :thumbup: :thumbup: :D

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

My step-mother is retired, or I would recommend her. I suspect she's too content in retirement to come back and deal with the depth of your problems. :mrgreen:

vernon

i fed almost everyone in the area and gave the all the kids nice gifts we had a blast but this is my last time, im retiring my eldest son is taking this thing over the 1st.im sure he will carry it on because he loved it as much as we did.

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

I have to get another one. My last one blew off in an electrical storm. That gave me SUCH a headache - and a haircut all at the same time.