DJRich Loc: Western Pa

This is from a contest to describe the most unusual Christmas Dinner.
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Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.



One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"



Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.



To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas
Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.



The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.



My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?" We steered her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"



My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.



The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be k**led, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.



It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise
went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still
calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

angery american Loc: Georgia

That was really good...I never new you had a sense of humor....Most liberals don't :thumbup:

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: I am still laughng...The visual is hysterical!!!! Excellent

oldroy Loc: Western Kansas (No longer in hiding)

It has been a real load for me to stop laughing long enough to read the rest of the replies. I remember a couple of weeks ago saying that fart is my favorite word because of what it says to me and all of a sudden here this doll is farting and flying around the room. Reading that part of this one reminded me so much of the high school teacher my wife told me about getting a whoopee cushion under a girl and the laughs that ensued when she sat on it.

oldroy Loc: Western Kansas (No longer in hiding)

The season is eating you up with all the humorous things you are posting. Anyway, this one is really a great one.