alabuck Loc: Tennessee

Dear Readers,

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife. I came across a 1,000,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

Awesome!!!

I have yet to explain to my wife how that new burn-spot on the face of her microwave got there.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries; right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat, Garfield, looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit, I thought about zapping Garfield for a fraction of a second. He is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife, to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said a 1-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a 2-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a 3-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than 3 seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Garfield looking on, his head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it, fool !' But I was reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a 1-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and my "hangie-downers" nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a 1-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what few wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How they got there, I have no clue. My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And, I'm still looking for my "hangie-downers!!" I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

So, PLEASE, learn from my mistake and DO NOT EVER try out your new taser on yourself!

Still in shock,

(Signed: I ain't a-do'n that again!)

(Names changed to protect the stupid)

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

Your secret is safe with me. However, that is something could be expected from a swabbie, but not a Marine. :oops: :mrgreen: :XD: :lol:

Unclet Loc: Amarillo, Tx

HEHEHEHE

archie bunker Loc: Texas

I won't beat you up for that alabuck! Did you know that a cattle prod holds a charge after the button is pushed? I do!!

alabuck Loc: Tennessee

And, pray tell us Arch, just how did you come to learn that tid-bit of knowledge?

archie bunker Loc: Texas

The hard way. :oops: :oops:

badbobby Loc: texas

typical Jarhead response
"that would never happen to me ,I'm a Marine"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

badbobby Loc: texas

Arch
you been proddin them progressives again?? :lol: :lol: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

He should have prodded his guest yesterday. :idea: :hunf:

alabuck Loc: Tennessee

--------

Oh, so, YOU wrote the original letter. Here, I thought it was just a made-up story I was passing along.

That's funny, Archie! I'd loved to have seen you zap yourself. Not really, Archie. I can only imagine the pain you were in.


Sounds kinda like me, when I was 3 and stuck one of my mother's Bobbie pins into an electrical wall socket. The jolt sent me flying across the floor and into the opposite wall. Remember, I was 3 at the time. So, I do have an acceptable excuse. :XD:

badbobby Loc: texas

I've never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the lamps,
but I look at religious nuts like I look at political nuts
you have your belief and I have mine
you are certainly entitled to your beliefs
as I am entitled to mine
if you will abstain from preaching to me
I will return the favor

alabuck Loc: Tennessee

------------
Now, what was it you said to me and azz-fault? Just saying..... :roll:

badbobby Loc: texas

was replying in my clumsy way to Aunties post
I wasn't arguing or denigrating anyone

alabuck Loc: Tennessee

-------- :thumbup:

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

Truer words were never spoken, by a swabbie.