Three jokes (one is real)
Aug 13, 2015 15:07:57 #
The last one is the real one, but this first one sounds like it too could be real!!!
Woman shoots, and stops Alligator
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dyed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN; IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.
Actually, I like this one best, because I know I've meet people like this.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A true story from the Manchester, NH Evening News
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Woman shoots, and stops Alligator
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dyed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN; IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.
Actually, I like this one best, because I know I've meet people like this.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A true story from the Manchester, NH Evening News
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Aug 13, 2015 15:19:44 #
BearK wrote:
The last one is the real one, but this first one s... (show quote)
She's lucky he didn't have a heart attack.
Aug 13, 2015 16:13:13 #
lpnmajor
Loc: Arkansas
BearK wrote:
The last one is the real one, but this first one s... (show quote)
That's why I don't buy life insurance for myself, I let my wife do it. Because, at the end, it's all hearse anyway.
Aug 13, 2015 17:24:55 #
lpnmajor wrote:
That's why I don't buy life insurance for myself, I let my wife do it. Because, at the end, it's all hearse anyway.
Uhhh...Don't quit your day job. You'll starve. Just saying. :)
Aug 14, 2015 18:19:52 #
BearK wrote:
The last one is the real one, but this first one s... (show quote)
where you been hiding all this bear??
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Aug 15, 2015 08:10:06 #
badbobby wrote:
where you been hiding all this bear??
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I'm glad you enjoyed them, BB.
If you want to reply, then register here. Registration is free and your account is created instantly, so you can post right away.