BearK Loc: TN

Some of these may have been around before, maybe not.


HOW TO START A FIGHT & SENIOR ADS


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

___________________________________

Some real laughs here

SENIOR ADS
You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north.

These are actual ads seen in''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried 4th husband,
Looking for someone to round out a 6-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my 8-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

You're hitting too close to home, young lady. :shock:

The Sgt. Major is threatening to trade me in on two 33 yr. olds for this 66 year-old classic. :oops:

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

Yes, they have previously been around but they are still funny. Thanks for sharing them again, I especially liked the one about the wife cutting the grass with shears and the husband offering the toothbrush for cleaning the driveway. It really tickled me. Still laughing. :lol: :thumbup:

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I couldn't help but notice on my visit that we both walked with a limp....likely, from our domestic 'experiences'. :lol:

BearK Loc: TN

A little polish and you'll look as good as new :wink: :wink: :thumbup:

Maybe Wax and Shine, or something like that ;-)

BearK Loc: TN

So glad you enjoyed them. A laugh always does a body good.

BearK Loc: TN

My right knee is bone on bone, I've seen the x-rays BUT He keeps me going without pain, so I trust He will see me through to the end. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

That may have contributed to it, but I think mine occurred prior to my being domesticated. You know, like jumping from 2nd story windows while trying to outrun some irate people. Ah yes, the good old days. Such memories we harbor. :oops: :mrgreen:

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I am shocked :!: :lol:

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

My apologies. I should have known better than to admit to a few peccadillos in my youth to such tender young impressionables. :oops: :oops: :oops: I am properly chastised and remorseful. :mrgreen:

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Yeah, I'll bet. :lol:

BearK Loc: TN

While he fondly reminisces. :roll: :roll:

PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.

Right again. :thumbup:

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

Why do I question your feelings of chastisement and remorse? :mrgreen: :?: 8-)

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

I refuse to take that bet. :twisted: :roll: