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Today's Funny
Mar 12, 2015 13:56:24   #
moldyoldy
 
> Handyman Husband:
>
> Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter morning:
> "Windows frozen, won't open."
>
> Husband texts back:
> "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap
> edges with hammer."
>
> Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
> "Computer really messed up now."
>
>
> New Dictionary:
>
> ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
> and is now growing in the middle.
>
> BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
>
> CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
>
> CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are
> born and after they are dead.
>
> COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes
> hours.
>
> DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
> EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in
> conversation..
>
> HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
>
> INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the
> paper.
>
> MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
> RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
>
> SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
> SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped
> off.
>
> TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to
> extraction.
>
> TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of
> today.
>
> YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
> WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my
> character Lines.

Reply
Mar 12, 2015 14:06:52   #
skott Loc: Bama
 
moldyoldy wrote:
> Handyman Husband:
>
> Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter morning:
> "Windows frozen, won't open."
>
> Husband texts back:
> "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap
> edges with hammer."
>
> Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
> "Computer really messed up now."
>
>
> New Dictionary:
>
> ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
> and is now growing in the middle.
>
> BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
>
> CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
>
> CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are
> born and after they are dead.
>
> COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes
> hours.
>
> DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
> EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in
> conversation..
>
> HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
>
> INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the
> paper.
>
> MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
> RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
>
> SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
> SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped
> off.
>
> TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to
> extraction.
>
> TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of
> today.
>
> YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
> WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my
> character Lines.
> Handyman Husband: br > br > Wife texts... (show quote)


Thanks, I needed that today.

Reply
Mar 12, 2015 14:13:46   #
the waker Loc: 11th freest nation
 
moldyoldy wrote:
> Handyman Husband:
>
> Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter morning:
> "Windows frozen, won't open."
>
> Husband texts back:
> "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap
> edges with hammer."
>
> Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
> "Computer really messed up now."
>
>
> New Dictionary:
>
> ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
> and is now growing in the middle.
>
> BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
>
> CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
>
> CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are
> born and after they are dead.
>
> COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes
> hours.
>
> DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
> EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in
> conversation..
>
> HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
>
> INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the
> paper.
>
> MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
> RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
>
> SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
> SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped
> off.
>
> TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to
> extraction.
>
> TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of
> today.
>
> YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
> WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my
> character Lines.
> Handyman Husband: br > br > Wife texts... (show quote)



Funny stuff, Moldy
:thumbup:

Reply
 
 
Mar 12, 2015 14:15:23   #
JimMe
 
TY... Chuckles are Always Appreciated...

moldyoldy wrote:
> Handyman Husband:
>
> Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter morning:
> "Windows frozen, won't open."
>
> Husband texts back:
> "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap
> edges with hammer."
>
> Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
> "Computer really messed up now."
>
>
> New Dictionary:
>
> ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
> and is now growing in the middle.
>
> BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
>
> CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
>
> CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are
> born and after they are dead.
>
> COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes
> hours.
>
> DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
> EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in
> conversation..
>
> HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
>
> INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the
> paper.
>
> MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
> RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
>
> SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
> SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped
> off.
>
> TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to
> extraction.
>
> TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of
> today.
>
> YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
> WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my
> character Lines.
> Handyman Husband: br > br > Wife texts... (show quote)

Reply
Mar 12, 2015 15:14:40   #
grace scott
 
JimMe wrote:
TY... Chuckles are Always Appreciated...



That they are. Thank you Oldie.

Reply
Mar 12, 2015 15:23:15   #
no propaganda please Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun
 
moldyoldy wrote:
> Handyman Husband:
>
> Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter morning:
> "Windows frozen, won't open."
>
> Husband texts back:
> "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap
> edges with hammer."
>
> Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
> "Computer really messed up now."
>
>
> New Dictionary:
>
> ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
> and is now growing in the middle.
>
> BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
>
> CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
>
> CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are
> born and after they are dead.
>
> COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes
> hours.
>
> DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
> EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in
> conversation..
>
> HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
>
> INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the
> paper.
>
> MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
> RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
>
> SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
> SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped
> off.
>
> TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to
> extraction.
>
> TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of
> today.
>
> YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
> WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my
> character Lines.
> Handyman Husband: br > br > Wife texts... (show quote)



Very funny, thanks for posting it.

Reply
Mar 12, 2015 15:55:19   #
bmac32 Loc: West Florida
 
Good stuff, worth a cut and paste for email, thanks!


the waker wrote:
Funny stuff, Moldy
:thumbup:

Reply
 
 
Mar 13, 2015 07:33:58   #
jer48 Loc: perris ca
 
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain all over my head, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, "I'm sorry but...you may not feel anything from the waist down."

It took all my effort, but I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

Reply
Mar 13, 2015 10:19:25   #
skott Loc: Bama
 
jer48 wrote:
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain all over my head, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, "I'm sorry but...you may not feel anything from the waist down."

It took all my effort, but I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plan... (show quote)


HA! I really hope you feel better.

Reply
Mar 13, 2015 20:03:20   #
BearK Loc: TN
 
no propaganda please wrote:
Very funny, thanks for posting it.


You were the only funny listed. You are KING FOR THE DAY, thank you, enjoyed them.

Reply
Mar 14, 2015 00:02:14   #
jer48 Loc: perris ca
 
BearK wrote:
You were the only funny listed. You are KING FOR THE DAY, thank you, enjoyed them.
your welcome

Reply
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