10 More Taxes The Government Should Pause Forever
Sponsored
June 23rd, 2022 - BabylonBee.com
President Biden has asked Congress to implement a federal gas tax holiday to help Americans deal with rising gas prices. If implemented, Americans can look forward to saving 18.4 cents a gallon on gas. We'll all be rich!
Too bad the gas tax holiday is only supposed to last three months. Here are some taxes we think should be done away with forever:
1) Property tax: Does it seem weird to anyone else that we have to pay the government for the land we own free and clear.... forever?
2) Income tax: We shouldn't be taxed on what we earn and what we spend. That's double-dipping! Not cool, government!
3) Death tax: At least provide a refund for accidental disembowelment. The clean-up alone will cost a fortune.
4) Dad tax: Dads taking candy out of kids' Halloween bags must be stopped.
5) Bridge tolls in Sherwood Forest: Why are the good guys and the bad guys taxing everyone in the Robin Hood story? Is Robin Hood actually good or a lesser evil? He still takes money from others and distributes it how he sees fit through a lens of favoritism the same as the crown. But Prince John stands for some semblance of law and order and Robin Hood and his merry men are anarchists at best. Is their will that justice be done or do they have socialist designs to eradicate the bourgeoisie and seize the means of production for the proletariat, thus turning themselves into the new elite that will inevitably dictate who has the right to work and who has the right to die?
6) Syntax: Grammar is r****t.
7) Tax on unrealized gains from elaborate casino heists: So few people stage elaborate heists and get away with it. Doesn't seem fair to tax us on the three million dollars we never stole.
8) Taxes on trade routes to the outer rim: If there had been no trade dispute, Qui-Gon Jinn would still be alive today.
9) Guns tax: All our writers are friggin' RIPPED, so the guns tax is costly for us.
10) All taxation that is theft: Any tax that is theft should be paused forever. So, uh, yeah. That's all of them.
If Only: Here Are The Headlines That Would Be In The News Right Now If Trump Were Still President
Politics
June 23rd, 2022 - BabylonBee.com
Joe Biden is president. It's time to accept it. But this isn't the case in every reality. We sent one of our Babylon Bee investigative reporters across the multiverse, and he came back with great news from one universe where Trump got reelected. Here are some of the biggest headlines from that universe:
-Nancy Pelosi announces 38th impeachment proceeding against President Trump.
-Joe Biden retires quietly to home in Delaware to live out the rest of his days in peace.
-Unemployment reaches 0% for first time in history, stock market gets so high they have to add another digit to the counter.
-Trump holds ecumenical church council to unify all the denominations under the true gospel of Jesus Christ.
-Disney talks about releasing a movie about the fictional movie about Buzz Lightyear in the fictional Toy Story universe but decides this is a terrible idea.
-CNN+ goes under [our reporter says this is true in all realities].
-Ukraine invades Russia.
-Half-Life 3 released.
-United States purchases Greenland in tremendous deal.
-Americans save $1600 on July 4 BBQs.
-American troops pulled from Afghanistan in careful, strategic, slow withdraw; 0 Americans stranded; utopia breaks out.
-New York Times publishes article explaining why $1/gallon gas is bad and r****t.
-Trump defeats Kim Jong-Un in high-stakes game of Tekken 7, forcing him to free his people.
-POGs make a comeback [it's unclear if this was related to Trump].
-President gives coherent speech.
-Everyone who ever took their kids to a d**g show arrested.
-Disney, Netflix, dozens of other entertainment companies shut down under new anti-g***ming law.
-Vice President DeSantis sent to handle border crisis, actually goes to border.
-Kamala Harris returns to former job as parking enforcement cop in San Francisco.
-Trump achieves world peace, signs 7-year treaty with Israel.
If you want to reply, then
register here. Registration is free and your account is created instantly, so you can post right away.