Banned From National Retailers, Lindell Forced To Engage In Back Alley Pillow Deals
Jun 20, 2022 13:55:47 #
Banned From National Retailers, Lindell Forced To Engage In Back Alley Pillow Deals
CHANHASSEN, MN—MyPillow Founder and CEO Mike Lindell has taken to illegal back-alley pillow deals following a ban from multiple retailers. Lindell says that making it impossible for him to sell the MyPillow through conventional means has forced him to resort to seedy deals that could endanger his life.
According to sources, Lindell is always on the move, never lingering too long at any location to avoid detection by authorities. He springs up on people who look uncomfortable and surprises them with a modest inventory of pillows and bedsheets. He has only been stabbed twice.
"They thought banning MyPillow would keep me from selling them, but they were wrong," said Lindell, who agreed to communicate with us through a secure VPN. "They've just forced me into back-alley pillow sales that have already resulted in the deaths of thousands."
"With proper government funding I can stay OSHA compliant and no one has to die," he implored.
Lindell regrets that he has had to discontinue his typical "Buy One Get One" deal due to the difficulty in carrying around pillows in a trench coat.
"I can only carry two, maybe three, pillows at a time," said Lindell. "This is what I've been reduced to!"
Despite it all, MyPillow is generating more revenue than before. Without an actual retail business, they've been forced to do without marketing, advertising, and field supervisors. MyPillow has concentrated cut all the fluff out of their operation to focus on only one thing. Great pillows for a discreet clientele.
MyPillow is guaranteed to be the most comfortable pillow you'll ever find on the black market, according to experts.
https://babylonbee.com/news/banned-from-national-retailers-lindell-engages-in-back-alley-pillow-deals-instead?utm_source=The+Babylon+Bee+Newsletter&utm_campaign=e3f5469c3b-Sponsored_Newsletter_6%2F20%2F22&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_62f636e998-e3f5469c3b-38840567&mc_cid=e3f5469c3b
CHANHASSEN, MN—MyPillow Founder and CEO Mike Lindell has taken to illegal back-alley pillow deals following a ban from multiple retailers. Lindell says that making it impossible for him to sell the MyPillow through conventional means has forced him to resort to seedy deals that could endanger his life.
According to sources, Lindell is always on the move, never lingering too long at any location to avoid detection by authorities. He springs up on people who look uncomfortable and surprises them with a modest inventory of pillows and bedsheets. He has only been stabbed twice.
"They thought banning MyPillow would keep me from selling them, but they were wrong," said Lindell, who agreed to communicate with us through a secure VPN. "They've just forced me into back-alley pillow sales that have already resulted in the deaths of thousands."
"With proper government funding I can stay OSHA compliant and no one has to die," he implored.
Lindell regrets that he has had to discontinue his typical "Buy One Get One" deal due to the difficulty in carrying around pillows in a trench coat.
"I can only carry two, maybe three, pillows at a time," said Lindell. "This is what I've been reduced to!"
Despite it all, MyPillow is generating more revenue than before. Without an actual retail business, they've been forced to do without marketing, advertising, and field supervisors. MyPillow has concentrated cut all the fluff out of their operation to focus on only one thing. Great pillows for a discreet clientele.
MyPillow is guaranteed to be the most comfortable pillow you'll ever find on the black market, according to experts.
https://babylonbee.com/news/banned-from-national-retailers-lindell-engages-in-back-alley-pillow-deals-instead?utm_source=The+Babylon+Bee+Newsletter&utm_campaign=e3f5469c3b-Sponsored_Newsletter_6%2F20%2F22&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_62f636e998-e3f5469c3b-38840567&mc_cid=e3f5469c3b
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