rumitoid

1964 fer cryin' out loud. I was still in HS. Invincibility, immortality were very much still on the table, even probable. Dreams of my future were low h*****g fruit ready to be plucked. It's crazy! It just seems wrong. How did I get to this state?

Time, what an autocratic b***h. Yet growing old is not so bad, I sort of liked my 60s. Being old sucks. Especially if one has been so irresponsible about their health as I was. I tell friends and family alike that I do not have health problems, I have Consequence Problems. In my mind I was still 22 and life and possibilities were still endless. I was, after all, invincible. No need to be frugal or wise or cautious, just live. And the world sung in chorus with me. It will work out for the best in the end. But oops, the end is nigh, hoho (not boohoo)...and I helped.

Should I continue to strive for survival to avoid Heaven, for how long? Fight tooth and nail to somehow outfox death? Too funny. But the Irish culture in me has a convincing influence on me to put up me bloody dooks. Against all odds. It is being a man. Thinking otherwise is definitely cowardly. My thread on suicide a while ago all the Christians were opposed to giving up under any and all circumstances. I believe that Christ would have been far more compassionate.

My lung cancer has spread to my spine and liver. Chemo can delay my death by, perhaps, a few months while the usual and anticipated pain eats me alive, twisting every day into torture. Or give up, let nature, God, take the course. Hmm, how should I weigh this?

keepuphope Loc: Idaho

I was a hospice nurse for the last 5 years before I retired last July. My advice is make amends with any family members you have and really search out God and get to know Him. Don't live your short time on regrets. The things of this world don't really matter in the scheme of things just the people you love.Politics and the other background noise doesn't matter. I hope you have peace and renewed love until you go.

Michael Rich Loc: Lapine Oregon

A very thoughtful and experienced reply.

EmilyD

Thank you, keepuphope...those are very comforting thoughts. I am going to keep them in my "book of things to remember" that I started when I was in my 30's. I saved space in the beginning of my book for "special" things. This will go into that space! Thanks again! 🙂

keepuphope Loc: Idaho

One of my favorite patients was in his last days tryed so hard to get a hold of his son and daughter to ask forgiveness for being a drunken abuser to them growing up. He truly had remorse and sobbed. They never contacted him. So hard to watch him but he didn't die alone a few of us were there. Loving others is the most powerful action there is. And forgiveness takes strength and denying your own feelings. Alot of people can't do that.

rumitoid

Thank you very much for your concern, it is obvious that you are a decent and caring person. I have a college degree in Hospice and worked in one for almost four years. Yet I forgot a basic of my training: self-care. I believed that my mind was cagey enough to thwart any piti-pot nonsense. Wrong!

From my experience, and many textbooks, people die pretty much as they have lived. A woman putting on heavy makeup at dawn or a angry ole man blaming God for his state, both with less than a month to live. What? It became too much. And now I am where they were. I still do not understand.

Being without air or sunlight, no more challenges to overcome and games to win, seems like hell. Eternal joy in Heaven? What's the bloody point? I had a good friend suggest in 1986 that I contemplate on Eternal Bliss after death forever. I don't think I ever lasted more than 6 seconds. The idea was completely appalling to me. No worries, no problems, no fights? Of what bloody good was heaven?

keepuphope Loc: Idaho

No blood she'd or harm. Lots to learn trying your hand at different things. Spending your time loving ,barbeques and meeting different people . Learning different cultures and food. Enjoying pristine nature with animals causing no harm.And most of all being able to talk with Jesus and hearing stories of those who lived in different periods of time and their experiences. That's what heaven will be. I for one want to spend my eternity like that.

microphor Loc: Home is TN

I 2nd that

rumitoid

Beautiful. The best beauty.

rumitoid

Tears. That is all I have after your post. You have a very big heart. God bless you.

keepuphope Loc: Idaho

I may get passionate about politics sometimes but my main joy in life is helping others. I truly enjoy it doesn't matter who you are or mistakes you've made. I've made a few in my day.

rumitoid

I am always envious and amazed of big-hearted people like yourself. Thank you.