slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

For examples....

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

If you can't think of a word, say, I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an i***t

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. I only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth t***sition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being old, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember. . . . Don't sing!

If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

C****a-coaster: noun; the ups and downs of a p******c. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Carol Kelly

I can help you with the underwear problem. Sit down to put it on. Sit on a chair, not the floor. You’ll never get up.

moldyoldy

Some pretty funny facts of life.

jim_oldman Loc: Lexington, SC

Sounds like you've "been there done that"

manning5 Loc: Richmond, VA

Damn! Someone has been tapping my TV and phone! I resemble that whole page!
But I never though I'd wear suspenders until my stomach revolted against the belt I was wearing.
The number of doctors I have to see is beyond count. I know because I had to go around to every one of them last month (I forgot who and where), and true to form, none of them knew what the hell was wrong, until one of the last ones observed that I was using my oxygen concentrators too long and at too high a level, pumping air into my stomach and causing me to burp loudly and hard all the time. At least my burps are not so loud or often now!

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Always good to hear from you, Manning.

I suspect your wife & family hopes your farts are not so loud or often now, also.

manning5 Loc: Richmond, VA

Then too, I have had to spend enormous effort to come up with a diet that satisfies both my diabetes and my dysphagia no-noes. Both of them told me alcohol was verboten! Sigh! I just bought a fire sale of 36 bottles!

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Quickly, in an effort to save your life, ship them to me

I will dispense them to worthy recipients.

dtucker300 Loc: Vista, CA

Words of wisdom, which come from experience. Thanks for the laughs.

trashbaum

It's nice to find the aged having humor in the facts of life. Some friends can be friendly, without enemies. But then I really enjoy you being around Moldy.

Carol Kelly

Almost, my mother.

Smedley_buzkill

You think you had it tough. Education was so important to me that I walked 30 miles to school and 30 miles home. Barefoot in the snow. Uphill both ways.

They say there is no God, and if there is He has no sense of humor. Then why is it that my back always starts itching at 3:00 AM in that one damn spot that I pull a muscle trying to reach?

Getting a leg in your pants without losing your balance? I slipped a disc trying to put on my flip flops because shoes were too much trouble.

I treasure my interactions with people older than me; every day there are fewer of them.

Carol Kelly

Grand response.
.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

You want some, Carol

Carol Kelly

Don’t drink anything stronger than ginger beer. But thanks for the offer. You’re the Slatten I remember