CV-19 Airline Pilot Situation
Jul 8, 2020 13:40:35 #
CV-19 Airline Pilot Situation
DEAR VALUED PILOT EMPLOYEE: The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with the current level of capacity in the marketplace. We need to make changes in response. While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases haven't been sufficient to cover the reduced demand. As fares increase, fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully navigate these difficult times. Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots). Pilots who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All pilots who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination) . Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If a pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. The management wishes to assure the younger pilots who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training pilots through our: Special High-Intensity Training (SH!T). We take p***e in the amount of SH!T our pilots receive. We have given our pilots more SH!T than any company in this area. If any pilot feels they do not receive enough SH!T on the job, see your Chief Pilot. Your Chief Pilot is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SH!T you can handle. Once again, thanks for all your years of service with us. Sincerely, Your Well-compensated Golden-parachute-in-position Senior VP Management Leadership Team
DEAR VALUED PILOT EMPLOYEE: The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with the current level of capacity in the marketplace. We need to make changes in response. While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases haven't been sufficient to cover the reduced demand. As fares increase, fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully navigate these difficult times. Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots). Pilots who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All pilots who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination) . Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If a pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. The management wishes to assure the younger pilots who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training pilots through our: Special High-Intensity Training (SH!T). We take p***e in the amount of SH!T our pilots receive. We have given our pilots more SH!T than any company in this area. If any pilot feels they do not receive enough SH!T on the job, see your Chief Pilot. Your Chief Pilot is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SH!T you can handle. Once again, thanks for all your years of service with us. Sincerely, Your Well-compensated Golden-parachute-in-position Senior VP Management Leadership Team
Jul 8, 2020 13:54:33 #
ldsuttonjr wrote:
CV-19 Airline Pilot Situation br br DEAR VALUED... (show quote)
Well written. But please correct spacing between words and repost.
Jul 8, 2020 14:00:04 #
ImLogicallyRight wrote:
Well written. But please correct spacing between words and repost.
What? I don’t understand the spacing thing. Is that a joke? I think it’s Sutton’s best work to date. Lol. It was really funny and probably more than half true.
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