https://babylonbee.com/news/us-government-opens-cash-4-freedom-franchise

U.S. Government Opens Hundreds Of Convenient Cash 4 Freedom Locations
May 18th, 2020

U.S.—Following the popular model of Cash4Gold, the U.S. government has started its own unique franchise. Americans will be able to turn in a variety of freedoms and rights in exchange for some quick cash!

“Cash 4 Freedom is able to give you top dollar for your unwanted freedoms”, said congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, “Basic rights, human rights, inalienable rights -- we’ll take 'em all! We’ll even accept the right to go outside, buy seeds, or even just wear Crocs!”

“I got $1200 for trading in my God-given freedoms!” said satisfied customer Rebecca Reimold. “All I did was give up the useless freedoms that I definitely won’t miss when they're gone!” Other Americans were hesitant to hand over their guns, free speech, and freedom of religion, but once they saw that enormous pile of cash they quickly changed their minds. “Now that my gun safe is a money safe I can sleep way better at night!”

With freedom valued at an all-time high in the eyes of power-hungry, opportunistic politicians, there’s never been a better time to give it all away. Many states are getting in on the action as well, opening their own franchised Cash 4 Freedom offices. “HEREEEE'S MONEY!” shouted CA Governor Gavin Newsom brandishing a stack of crisp Benjamins. “Melt down your rights today and get ready to count your cash!”

They promise 100% satisfaction and guarantee that you will not be able to complain about it at all.

"So call today and don’t delay, because these deals won’t last forever. For a limited time only, you can cash in your right to v**e for the low, low price of your grandchildren's future!"

Meanwhile the right, crying "open our economy back up" still thinks that
...C***d is no big deal
...It's no worse than the flue, in fact the flu k**ls more people
...missed the reason their region wasn't affected was because of staying at home
...that businesses can go back to normal
...That outbreaks will result in new closures
...only deeply ignorant people will eat out in restaurants that don't adhere to distancing rules
...that it is hitting and k*****g kids
...that is causes heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failures in younger people

Meanwhile the right, crying "open our economy back up" still thinks that
...C***d is no big deal
...It's no worse than the flue, in fact the flu k**ls more people
...missed the reason their region wasn't affected was because of staying at home
...that businesses can go back to normal
...That outbreaks will result in new closures
...only deeply ignorant people will eat out in restaurants that don't adhere to distancing rules
...that it is hitting and k*****g kids
...that is causes heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failures in younger people

Meanwhile the right, crying "open our economy back up" still thinks that
...C***d is no big deal
...It's no worse than the flue, in fact the flu k**ls more people
...missed the reason their region wasn't affected was because of staying at home
...that businesses can go back to normal
...That outbreaks will result in new closures
...only deeply ignorant people will eat out in restaurants that don't adhere to distancing rules
...that it is hitting and k*****g kids
...that is causes heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failures in younger people

Meanwhile the right, crying "open our economy back up" still thinks that
...C***d is no big deal
...It's no worse than the flue, in fact the flu k**ls more people
...missed the reason their region wasn't affected was because of staying at home
...that businesses can go back to normal
...That outbreaks will result in new closures
...only deeply ignorant people will eat out in restaurants that don't adhere to distancing rules
...that it is hitting and k*****g kids
...that is causes heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failures in younger people