no propaganda please Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun

As some of you may know, my older brother Brian, died early yesterday morning. (he was 72, I am 70) It is not his death that I mourn, it is the abuse and hatred that ruined his life that I mourn, or rather that I am both sad and angry about. Brian was sexually abused from 12 to 13 years of age. My father, who would not accept anything but perfection from his older son, told Brian it was a voluntary "affair" and emotionally abandoned Brian from there on.Since I was born with one leg an inch shorter than the other, and would never be good at sports,my father did not much care how I turned out, or what I did with my life. I left home right out of high school and only found out what had happened to Brian while I was in college studying to be a social worker. I changed my mind and decided to work as a counselor with sexually abused boys, which I have from then on. The h**e our father had toward Brian , and the rejection was a major force in Brian's spending his life in gay bars and bath houses, using drugs and drinking himself into oblivion.He went through rehab often, got a job and worked hard for a long time, but went back to his old behavior when ever there was too much stress in his life or the self loathing got the better of him. It was only a few years ago, when he was broke, in danger of loosing his house, and found out that he had rectal cancer that he was willing to ask for help. For the first time he was not alone, and he died with my wife and me by his side.

All the years I have worked with young boys who were raped and/or molested I have realized that their self loathing was a major barrier to their healing. As one boy said to me, referring to the man who raped him "he ripped a hole in my soul and all the happiness leaked out" Unfortunately we can only help the boys make the hole smaller, not totally go away.
The boys feel dirty, used and valueless. Sometimes they think they are good only for soliciting on the streets. Many times they ask if they are still virgins, which is a hard question to answer, because whether a child is a boy or a girl the virginal innocence has been ripped away. But, since it is not of their own choosing, but forced on them they are still virgins in spirit, which is what should really matter. Some even ask if any girl would find them worthy (although being kids, they do not put it in those terms) A woman who would think a victim of rape is unworthy of loving, is as horrible as my father was. Or in the case of a girl being raped, a man who would consider her worthless because of that, does not deserve her anyhow. But it takes a long time after they start talking about it, before the suicide or self m********n urges diminish significantly and an even longer time before the self hatred and loathing dissipate and the child is able to go from victim to survivor. This is the horrible damage of child molestation, a topic seldom discussed in "polite" company. The mental institutions, prisons, and homeless shelters are testimony to its legacy.

I have more to say but this is a discussion group and not a lecture hall, so it is time for your comments, please.

Blacksheep

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Another bad ending for another victim of child abuse. Any form of it is bad whether it's verbal, physical or sexual. I'm with you on this one. I rant against the sexual abuse of children by homosexuals for damn good reason, but sexual abuse isn't the only kind. Physical and verbal abuse of children can do as much harm to them and it sounds like your father was guilty of the latter. Makes me wonder if he was a drunk or on something.

The problem with the majority of parents is that none of them are ready or qualified to raise children when they have them. It's always a new learning experience and it shouldn't be. Now that we've left our little tribal villages behind and are city dwellers with strangers all around us, we need to provide good child raising classes as part of school curriculums, and we need to provide more safety nets for the kids.

In Washington state, parents who are drug addicts can get SSI from the state and they don't get the kids taken away because it's a poor, Liberal state and the State doesn't want to budget for the care of all those poor little kids being raised by meth freaks. Instead of taking that SSI money, $1400 a month for the parent of one child and more money if there's more kids, which the parent spends on more meth, they should stop giving any to the drug addict parents at all and use it house, care for and counsel the children. It's unbelievable how things are in Washington.

Singularity

In earlier posts I have been castigating and attacking you and your perceived aggressive methods. Having reread some of that, and communicating with you via PM's, I see it was a misunderstanding based on high emotion over the issue of child endangerment as well as heightened rhetoric and mistrust between secular/religious views. I see your passion for helping these children. Through our PM communication I have come to trust now that your efforts are legitimate and loving, as well as effective.

For all readers, and yourself, my apologies."

no propaganda please Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun

No, he was not a drunk, nor a druggie, that might have given him an excuse. He had a doctorate in Starch chemistry and believed that people should be ordered and organized and without fault just like a sugar or starch. He had no use for people because they couldn't be programed, weighed or analyzed. He seldom drank, or lost his temper and had we, including my mother, all been robots, he would have been happy. He would have considered "The Stepford Wives" utopia. It was almost as if "don't breathe without permission." Now you know why I got out of there right out of high school.

Blacksheep

Dunno as how you owe much in the way of apologies. No prop and I have gotten into it as well. I personally think that No prop was too quick to take offense and too quick to attack and insult, and has come to see that we really aren't the enemies we were taken for at first. For my part, I often tend to respond with worse than what I was handed, and that doesn't make for much understanding either.

There are always points of disagreement between people, especially in matters of life philosophy, and on OPP it's common for us to blast each other over disagreements. I don't take any of it personally no matter what's said, we're all just letting off steam anyway. That's mostly why we're here.

Blacksheep

Okay then, how about arrogant, domineering and dictatorial? Superior, insensitive, aloof, reserved, uncaring? Those work?

Singularity

And who knows what events and forces formed him and his contributions for good or ill?

Yes, everything is intertwined....

no propaganda please Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun

Yeah that works. and yes, I can get touchy when I shouldn't and this last year it has gotten worse. Stress does that. that's one of the reasons I got on OPP was so that i might have some place to sort out some of the problems most of which centered around my brother. Now, may I can get back to just being over all b***hy, and not directed at anyone in particular.

Blacksheep

I actually wasn't picking on you, I was doing a little research. I wanted to see if you were capable of admitting error. That quality has become my criteria for talking with those of different "persuasions", for lack of a better word. Now that I've realized how common the sociopathic mind is, I draw the line on trying to reason with anyone who has that genetic flaw, or what I consider to be a flaw. Sociopaths can't admit error, it violates their sense of self-preservation.

Glad to put you on my list of normal people. My apologies for the test.

no propaganda please Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun

The concept of being considered normal is way too frightening. I take p***e in being weird. It is a survival technique that I have just about perfected. But if you want weird SWMBO plays with snakes. At least she can tell the difference between vipers and ring neck snakes and only plays with the rattlesnakes (or is it the ring neck ones, can't remember)

Armageddun Loc: The show me state

For what it is worth my opinion of this thread covers a broader scope than just the title. There can be no doubt that child abuse is one the most harmful, damaging, devastating, occurrence which could befall a child. Your work is a very needed and beneficial endeavor.

To try to describe or define all the affects brought on by this sick and twisted blight is probably all but impossible.

I agree with Black sheep, that abuse has many forms and names but in essence all types are harmful not only in the short term but also the long haul.

NPP, I applaud your efforts to attempt to bring acceptance, healing, and understanding to those you are serving or working with. In my humble way I pray for you all the success possible in achieving your goal.

I promise I am not trying to bring discord into such a serious subject but I must say that this type healing must include both physical and spiritual aspects.

Physical in the sense of painful physical wounds and spiritual, in the sense that minds are in danger of being marred for life.

We on the opp are very blessed to have been brought together by a sad but powerful subject that can bring healing in adult relationships here on the opp. There are many issues that divide us, we all know what they are without listing them.

This is a subject that can unite us in our discussions. It can be a place where not only children can be discussed, but it can become a place for healing and acceptance for adults if we are and stay mature adults.

There truly is much hurt in this world that many think to share these hurts with others will somehow destroy reputations etc. . Used properly the ground can be level here, and everyone can be a friend, a counselor, a shoulder to cry on, but most of all mayybe, just maybe a place for healing.

Blacksheep

Spiritual is fine. Religious is not. Teaching children that superstitious nonsense is fact is just one more form of child abuse.

Armageddun Loc: The show me state

B****sheep I think you know I know the difference between religion and true spirituality. I wouldn't push religion off on anybody.

Blacksheep

Yep. I was just saying what I think. Nothing personal there.

Armageddun Loc: The show me state

We have clarity. This issue is bigger than both of us. We are on the same page.