slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

"I'm no longer at the mercy of my PTSD, and I would not be here today had I not had the proper diagnosis and treatment. It's never too late to seek help."

by P.K. Philips

It is a continuous challenge living with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and I've suffered from it for most of my life. I can look back now and gently laugh at all the people who thought I had the perfect life. I was young, beautiful, and talented, but unbeknownst to them, I was terrorized by an undiagnosed debilitating mental illness.

Having been properly diagnosed with PTSD at age 35, I know that there is not one aspect of my life that has gone untouched by this mental illness. My PTSD was triggered by several traumas, including a childhood laced with physical, mental, and sexual abuse, as well as an attack at knife-point that left me thinking I would die. I would never be the same after that attack. For me there was no safe place in the world, not even my home. I went to the police and filed a report. Rape counselors came to see me while I was in the hospital, but I declined their help, convinced that I didn't need it. This would be the most damaging decision of my life.

For months after the attack, I couldn't close my eyes without envisioning the face of my attacker. I suffered horrific flashbacks and nightmares. For four years after the attack I was unable to sleep alone in my house. I obsessively checked windows, doors, and locks. By age 17, I'd suffered my first panic attack. Soon I became unable to leave my apartment for weeks at a time, ending my modeling career abruptly. This just became a way of life. Years passed when I had few or no symptoms at all, and I led what I thought was a fairly normal life, just thinking I had a "panic problem."

Then another traumatic event re-triggered the PTSD. It was as if the past had evaporated, and I was back in the place of my attack, only now I had uncontrollable thoughts of someone entering my house and harming my daughter. I saw violent images every time I closed my eyes. I lost all ability to concentrate or even complete simple tasks. Normally social, I stopped trying to make friends or get involved in my community. I often felt disoriented, forgetting where, or who, I was. I would panic on the freeway and became unable to drive, again ending a career. I felt as if I had completely lost my mind. For a time, I managed to keep it together on the outside, but then I became unable to leave my house again.

Around this time I was diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot express to you the enormous relief I felt when I discovered my condition was real and treatable. I felt safe for the first time in 32 years. Taking medication and undergoing behavioral therapy marked the turning point in my regaining control of my life I'm rebuilding a satisfying career as an artist, and I am enjoying my life. The world is new to me and not limited by the restrictive vision of anxiety. It amazes me to think back to what my life was like only a year ago, and just how far I've come.

For me there is no cure, no final healing. But there are things I can do to ensure that I never have to suffer as I did before being diagnosed with PTSD. I'm no longer at the mercy of my disorder and I would not be here today had I not had the proper diagnosis and treatment. The most important thing to know is that it's never too late to seek help.

Coos Bay Tom Loc: coos bay oregon

PTSD is real-- I have it. I have learned to put all the bad things away and only take them out if I want to. I was a small child and yet I was a POW.--- To the Mormans who totured and abused me I was a Lamanite unworthy of the kingdom of heaven. It ended finally when I spoke with the police. I was beaten poisoned with mercury excommunicated and told I was going to hell. I was 8 years old when this was finnaly over.. Sorry Mormans I know you are insane.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I deal with it, too, Tom. Intermittent bouts of anger and grief lingering from memories of Vietnam haunt me occasionally. Many people don't realize that PTSD is not restricted to military combat experiences. Your testimonial is proof of that.

I maintain close contact with my VA counselor, especially following a loss of close friends or Family.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

I suspect we all have some level of PTSD yet deny it or don't know that's the cause..

Medication may help but until the issues that trigger it can be identified and tacked I suspect there is only passive enlightenment..

The person that you posted about brings that front and center..

You and Tom are also testimony to the ability to manage it and not be controlled by it..
As with most mental illnesses, no cure exists for PTSD, but the symptoms can be effectively managed to restore the affected individual to normal functioning... It doesn't mean you are not able to adopt and manage the illness..

Our mind is our best friend or worst enemy...

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

I suspect you are correct with your opening comment, L-J. Tom & I (and others) manage normal functioning as best possible.

rebob14

I was predisposed to it during my childhood in the 40's and 50's. I wasn't deliberately abused but exposed to some episodes of extreme emotional immaturity from family members at a very young age. When I joined the submarine Navy in the 60's, I began to manifest symptoms which I was able to bury for several years. When the dam finally broke, I was at periscope depth in the midst of a winter storm in the North Atlantic. This was during the first days of a 70 plus day patrol..........finishing the patrol and getting back to the states was nightmarish. This all happened before PTSD was a term and there was no treatment or diagnosis except heavy sedation, which I was unwilling to tolerate. I spent the next ten years pretending to be "normal" and eventually outlasted it. As a result, I became a stronger version of myself; I really had to build my life from scratch and make decisions that I may not have thoughtfully made had I not had the experience. I certainly don't recommend PTSD as method for anything, but, having no choice but to respond to it brought me to a place of functionality that drugs would not have accomplished.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Kudos, Rebob14.

pafret Loc: Northeast

While I can empathize with all of these posters, anyone who has never had the problem cannot truely comprehend the problem. When I was a young boy right after the war, about 1948, my next door neighbor, who was a WWII vet, was subject to "fits". His wife would recogize certain behavior patterns that preceded these episodes and she would call the police. Six hulking six foot plus cops would show up and attempt to remove him. I saw this 5'6'' 150 pound guy flip cops around like rag dolls. My Godfather's son was one of those cops and he told us they subdued him and put him in a cell until a doctor came in and administered a knockout shot. There was nothing else they could do for him except preventing him from injuring himself or others. When he awoke, he was always apologetic and concerned that he might have hurt one of the cops. No one at that time recognized what was going on. It would seem they should have guessed because he gave indications that he was still a POW when he was in one of these fugue states.

Tom Salinger

The effects of abusive homes are far under-rated in mitigating crimes by juveniles. Most courts dismiss the Liberal "whining" about a child's dysfunctional upbringing as a factor in sentencing. Help for their deep psychological scars is not given. Instead, these damaged souls are sent to facilities that nurture the violence in them.

In 1986, a friend gave me a tape of Pia Melody talking about the alcoholic home. I took it just to be polite. I was an alcoholic, my parents were alcoholics: a wash, a push, no foul. On this particular tape, Pia went through some typical examples of abuse, always ending with the refrain "...you were severely abused." She described her first example and I was thinking "Yeah, that happened but most of my Irish Catholic friends got the same treatment; just the way it was then." And then the refrain: "You were severely abused." Adding, as I had, "If you are dismissing this abuse as normal, deserved, or somehow okay, you are minimizing its true damage." Every example she gave happened to me. Rage came at my parents as the tape ended. Six months of easy anger over anything followed. I lost a few friends. Then I had this wonderful dream, or vision: I was sitting on a wooden bench facing a dirt road. A 1947 green car pulled up in front. My father emerged from the Driver's seat, looking younger than I ever knew him. He walked over to me and asked, "Want a coke?" I turned and saw this big red soda dispenser. He put in a coin and I heard the gentle rumble of a soda going down. I got up, went over, and even felt the coldness of the little bottle. "Wanna go for a ride," he said.

I stepped on the running board and climbed into the front seat, my eyes level with the huge glovebox. I remember nothing of the drive but an occasional sideward glance by my dad, and he was smiling. Next thing we are walking on a path into the woods--and he has an arm on my shoulder. Never happened to me before. As we walk, I am getting older and I don't really hear what he is saying to me, yet my feelings for him are growing. We eventually come to a clearing where we stop. He comes close and says, "I always loved you, son," giving me my first hug from him. He smiles at me and then walks off. All anger and resentment for him left.

More to the topic: Overall, 25% of casualties were caused by war trauma in WWII, and this rate was even higher– 50%– for soldiers engaged in long, intense fighting (PBS, 2003). In fact, so many soldiers were affected that psychiatrists were confronted with the reality that psychological weakness had little to do with subsequent distress in combat. Thus, terminology changed from “combat neurosis” to “combat exhaustion,” or “battle fatigue” (Bentley, 2005). Reflecting the consensus that all soldiers were vulnerable to battle fatigue due to their environments, the U.S. Army adopted the official slogan, “Every man has his breaking point” (Magee, 2006).

As to why every man has his breaking point, I would submit it is from decency, not fear. Patton slapped the face of a young man that found such violence as war incomprehensible. He was not a coward but too much humane.

Tom Salinger

For me, if I dare, the issues that promote it are that you are a decent, caring, and loving individual. Mass slaughter is not conducive to such a spirit.

PTSD can be managed and controlled yet that is s***ery to misery. A good heart is the seed of PTSD.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

I'm giving you a hug and a heart sent Thank You for your service, rebob..

PTSD went undiagnosed for many years and then many didn't accept it because it had not been discussed or made aware for many years thereafter from what I've read..

I do know it can be disabling and put people where it's just not healthy.. My heart goes out to all that expierence it, my sister included..I have seen anxiety and fear that kept her home bound for months, not days...

The best part is as you, Tom and slatt express, it can be managed and we do survive it..
My very best to you bob and may you smile just to smile and know you are never alone..

We're all great listeners here and have shoulders to cry on with strong arms to hug you too..

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

I absolutely agree with you Tom.. Nice to read such positive inspiration as well.. We and our world for that fact need more of it than negative!!!

I see the three men, slatt, Tom and rebob having beautiful hearts that most likely helped them too..

As I said in another post our mind our best friend or worst enemy.. If we think with a good heart we eventually get that good right back...

A good heart and love sustains all things....

Tom Salinger

Never expected to be "accused" of a good heart. Very in my head. And always wanted out. Every aspect of a situation was carefully scrutinized...and then I realized I overlooked the person involved. For twenty years, I saw people as problems: what to say, how to appear, what do they want, what am I missing, what will please or disarm, how can I look good, did I say the wrong thing, what should I say, and on and on and on. Never relaxed. Never at ease with myself or others. Until I was alone. My shining moment.

The first time this driving need to be okay with another left, I did not notice until later. I was astonished. It was simple and I missed it. No need to be on guard or looking of ways to please. People were not incarnations of my alcoholic parents. Almost forty and I had been blind to the obvious.

rebob14

Thanks, Linda, and I suspect your truly are a joy!! In many ways, I lost an entire decade, but gained the rest of my life...........sometimes God's boot camp can seem very rough, but He is always faithful if we are.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

Sounds like you found your own being in the process and how cool is that!! Contentment brings much release of all the what ifs or need to please.. People accept you as you are or not at all.. Their loss if they do not..

We can't please everyone but we can please ourself in the person we are..

Keep that good heart and positive outlook, please..