Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."

He said . . ."I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said...."You wear pants don't you?"

One day a housework‑challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

A WIFE'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

Did you ever wonder who was the first person to do these things? Betcha it was a dumb man.
--Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
--Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky."
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You're not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Mental anxiety
Mentally dysfunctional
Menopause
Menstrual cramps...
Ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN?

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, at the appropriate point in the process told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p...e...n...i...s."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm jumping, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up along side her and said, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."
He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchman are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"How very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

If you think there's no difference between the way men and women think, consider this exercise in which a college professor asked his class to punctuate the following sentence:
"Woman without her man is nothing."
The men said: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women said: "Woman, without her, man is nothing."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby.
While there, a new doctor told them he'd invented a machine which could transfer the mother's labor pains to the father.
The husband thought this was a terrific idea.
The doctor set the machine at ten percent, explaining that even ten percent was too much for most men.
But the husband felt just fine. So, the doctor turned it up to twenty per cent. Still nothing. Amazed and with some trepidation, the doctor turned the machine up a notch, to fifty percent. But the husband continued to feel just fine.
Wanting to help his wife, however, who was writhing in pain, he told the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
In the end, the wife delivered a healthy baby, and the husband suffered no pain at all.
When they arrived home the next day, they found the mailman dead on the front porch.

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady and asked, "Can ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Can ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

A man came home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with his best friend. In a fit of rage he went for his gun and put it up to his temple, to the great amusement of his wife and her lover.
"Don't laugh!" the enraged husband shouted. "You're next!"

After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a neighbor asked how he liked living in the country.
"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour."
The neighbor (also blonde) was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"
"Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.



If you're not laughing by now, I can't help you.

badbobby Loc: texas

dunno how many opp-ers are laughing Larry
but ain't no one to say you didn't try

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Thanks Buddy!

badbobby Loc: texas

you are welcome
we need to laugh more than we do

Larry the Legend Loc: Not hiding in Milton

Any ideas for my next 'theme'?

badbobby Loc: texas

any good ideas i have are few and far between

Big dog

As.always, you made the day

teabag09

You slayed me with the hind-lick. Mike