These are our two V.P. candidates?
Pence Recaptured After Fleeing Trump Campaign Bus; By Andy Borowitz , August 26, 2016
VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “scary moment” and a “close call,” Donald Trump’s campaign officials confirmed that they had recaptured Mike Pence after the Indiana governor attempted to flee the campaign bus in the early hours of Friday morning.
According to the campaign, Pence had asked to stop at a McDonald’s in rural Virginia so that he could use the bathroom, but aides grew concerned when the governor failed to reappear after twenty minutes.
After determining that Pence had given them the slip, Trump staffers fanned out across the Virginia backcountry, where the governor was believed to have fled.
News that Pence had vanished touched off a panic in Indiana, where residents feared that he might return to resume his political career.
After forty-five minutes of searching, however, campaign officials located a bedraggled and dazed Pence walking along Virginia State Route 287, where the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee was attempting unsuccessfully to hitch a ride.
A confrontation that Trump aides characterized as “tense” ensued, after which a sobbing Pence returned to the bus.
In the aftermath of Pence’s disappearance, Hope Hicks, Trump’s press secretary, attempted to downplay the severity of the incident. “This is the kind of thing that happens in the course of a long and demanding campaign,” she said. “Having said that, we’re grateful to have Mike Pence back with us, and we won’t let him get away again.”
Reportedly, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie offered to fill in for Pence in the event that he became unable to fulfill his duties. That offer was declined.
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Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a satirical comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report for newyorker.com.
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Tim Kaine appears on Colbert...
Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Tim Kaine paid a visit to the Late Show with Stephen Colbert on Thursday night in one of those almost obligatory appearances candidates have to make to get the crowd revved up and enthusiastic to vote. I think the opposite happened with Kaine on Colbert — he may have convinced some viewers that a vote for Hillary Clinton and Kaine is a vote for sleepiness.
Starting with his opening answer to Colbert — that he “never dreamed” he’d be on a talk show — on through a statement of purpose (“I’m a bridge-builder; I love reconciliation and bringing people together”), Kaine was earnest to the point of torpor. Yes, we’re all sick of Donald Trump’s barrage of insults, but there’s got be a middle ground where passion and principle coexist.
Colbert gave him openings, to be sure. Asking Kaine to comment on the “softening” of “[Trump’s] stance on immigration,” Kaine responded by speaking in Spanish. Groan. He’s reduced a facility in language into a parlor trick he’s used at the Democratic Convention and elsewhere. Recognizing this, Colbert said sharply, “What is the Spanish word for ‘pander?’”
Bringing up the opposition’s spurious claims that Clinton is ailing, Colbert asked with mock concern, “How’s her health? Can she sit up under her own power?” Instead of having a snappy answer, Kaine maundered: “She could beat me in the New York marathon … but I don’t think we’ll do that because we have a campaign to run.” I’m guessing people at home switched over to Jimmy Fallon at around the word “because.”
“You’re supposed to be an attack dog for your candidate,” said Colbert. “I’ll let you off the chain right now.” He asked Kaine to respond to Trump calling Clinton a bigot. Instead of attacking with passion, a joke, or a savage dismissal, Kaine went into a pre-programmed robot line about how Hillary worked to “fight school desegregation in Alabama.” Nice to hear, but, hoo boy, if that’s Kaine’s attack-dog mode, we’ve got a bichon frise aiming for the White House.
Kaine’s appearance was so tedious, Colbert had to deploy a taped segment that used a Tim Kaine impersonator. It was almost a funny idea: Colbert’s post-production supervisor, Mark Spada, looks a bit like Kaine, so the show put him in a suit, and Colbert took Spada/Kaine out on the Manhattan streets to greet people. The result was nearly as enervating as talking to Kaine.
I swear, the most exciting moment of the interview was when Colbert, a legit Sunday school teacher, asked Kaine, a former Jesuit missionary, his favorite New Testament quote, and Kaine rattled one off with rapid-fire ease. (For the record, it was from Philippians 2 and started with the phrase, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit but with humility.”) Yet somehow I don’t think that clip will go as viral as Britney Spears doing “Carpool Karaoke.” To be fair, Kaine probably isn’t any duller than Trump’s veep pick, Mike Pence, when he’s being interviewed.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert airs weeknights
Knowing the history of the Jesuits, I consider Clinton's VP adviser to be dangerous. Any "dullness" on his part is on purpose to disguise the fact that the Roman Catholic mindset and the Christian mindset of Pence are at direct odds. The former one is "collectivist" while the latter is "individualist." Any "attack dog" antics coming from either VP will be in language concepts that have the necessary "trigger" words to manipulate an audience in either direction. Will it be "Marxist ecumenicism" or "American individualism"?
Perhaps we need candidates that are boring, they may not have the mind set to screw things up so much.
I feel that those that want to fix things. End up just screwing the system up more.
Once the system is up & running well, maybe it would be best to stop screwing it up.
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