manning5 Loc: Richmond, VA

This difficult subject has not been discussed very much, but it is very often in the news and on TV. My thinking leads me to consider the many differences a couple would face when contemplating marriage across various boundaries. Differences such as:
Family Lives
Cultures
Languages
Mores
Finances
Education
Children
Social Acceptance
Religions
Abilities to cope and be adaptable

These differences seem to me to be devastating, but such marriages are continuing to happen. Love seems to conquer all! What do you think?

Canuckus Deploracus Loc: North of the wall

I'm a white Christian Canadian of Scottish decent.... My wife is an asian Buddhist Chinese of Manchurian ethnicity...

We had similar family lives as both of out parents divorced and remaeried when we were children and we both had a sibling two years younger than us...

Our culture are vadtly different...

We are both bilingual and fluent in each other's language...

We are both conservative... But to varying degrees concerning the issue...

I earn more than my wife... But that is due to education and our chosen fields of work..

We have had different educational experiences... But hope to one day close the gap...

Children is our biggest point of contention currently... We have vastly different ideas on how to raise children... But she tends to follow my lead (ai used to work in the field of early childhood education)...

Social acceptance took time... But I am more Chinese than Canadian when it comes to these things....

Religion is not a point of contention as we both believe it is an individual journey... We are respectful of each other's beliefs and will allow our daughter to make her own decision.... (Funnily enough, her godfather is a Muslim....She'll have plenty of exposure to different beliefs...)

Coping and adaptability vary from individual to individual... It's rare these days that we don't know what the other will do in a given situation....


Marriage is a journey... It's important to enter it with one's eyes open and remember that there is no such thing as winning a conflict... Only compromise and love....
Love may conquer all... But respect tends to be the foundation that it is built on...


Good thread.... Hope to hear more from others....

MalG

"Only compromise and love.... " Couldn't have said it better. Don't let the bigots hiding here deter you.

Mike Easterday

Marriage is the chief, leading cause of divorce. And two small words help create this situation. " I do" .

manning5 Loc: Richmond, VA

I am delighted to read your answers. In the back of my head was the situation with the ex-royals who seem to be having trouble finding their way.
You seem to have found the right path in those differences. God Bless!

JW

Imagine that your daughter contracts something needing medical treatment. Imagine further that your wife insists on traditional Chinese apothecary. Would you forego Western medical treatment in that event?

That was just a quick example and reality might be very different but what does a multi-cultural couple do in instances that are mutually exclusive and the results are critical to both?

Canuckus Deploracus Loc: North of the wall

Good example...

Very few Chinese would go that route these days... Most of the young trust western medicine more than TCM.... I'm more likely to want TCM than my wife...

We've had this issue of course... We took our daughter to a doctor and asked their advice...
Then followed said advice...

We were together for over ten years before we decided to become parents... And had numerous discussions concerning these types of issues...

Respect... It's the foundation of a successful relationship...

JW

So your solution is what? Think in terms of mutual exclusivity. How do you imagine a resolution if an impasse is reached? Do you have an agreement that one or the other will resolve such situations or do you feel no such situation can occur?

Canuckus Deploracus Loc: North of the wall

Concerning our child we have an agreement that in situations concerning health or education I am in charge...

It hasn't been put to the test yet...

I imagine any couple would have areas where they disagree... If your wife is accepting of facial piercings and you are not, how would you resolve this dilemma?

Or if one were Baptist an the other Catholic... How to raise the children?

Respect works for me and my wife...

But as I said earlier, we didn't rush things... Dated for four and a half years before marriage... Married almost seven years before deciding to have children... No debts... Stable careers...

Her mother threw me s few curve balls when out daughter was born, but my wife stayed by my side and ovrruled her... I've had to do that San with my mother when we visit...

JW

So you have established situational primacy. I think every couple does that, eventually, but I would expect that cultural differences would cause that to come into play more frequently than in a shared culture experience. Do you find that to be the case?

Canuckus Deploracus Loc: North of the wall

This is difficult for me to answer...

I had a number of relationships in high school and college.. But nothing serious... My wife has been the only serious relationship in my life...

From what I've observed of other western/Chinese marriages your premise is correct... But the majority of such marriages I have observed have been irregular... Many of them have an older western divorcee/ younger uneducated Chinese girl the to them...

Not sure if that helps...

maximus Loc: Chattanooga, Tennessee

I think it depends on the individual people involved. I have a friend who is perfectly happy to be married to a black woman ( for around 35 years), I worked for a while with a really sweet Russian woman married to an American, my ex brother in law and his twin brother married 2 very young girls from the Phillippines. My ex brother in law's wife is only one year older than his daughter, my niece, but they seem to be happy. His twin, however, had 2 children with his young wife and then quit work to raise them, leaving her to work and pay the bills. She left him with the 2 children and went off with another guy.
That's 3 out of 4 couples that are happy, with the failure of the fourth being unusual. I'd say those are pretty good odds.

Canuckus Deploracus Loc: North of the wall

Hi friend David...

I was thinking about you earlier...

How's life?

manning5 Loc: Richmond, VA

Along with respect I believe the intellect of both parties is crucial. With intellect one can rationalize most differences and reach an accommodation.
I have been married for 63 years, and we cope by reason...most of the time!

Canuckus Deploracus Loc: North of the wall

Well... God bless you both... That must have been quite the journey