dtucker300 Loc: Vista, CA

---- *The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem to be fairly valid...*


*SIMPLE TRUTH 1:*

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*SIMPLE TRUTH 2:*

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:*

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the idiot's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*BONUS RULES:*

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.


I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!


And as I get older, I realize:


#1 - I talk to myself because there are times I need expert advice.


#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.


#3 - I don't need anger management. People need to stop pissing me off.


#4 - My people skills are just fine. My tolerance for idiots needs work.


#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."


#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.


#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.


#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.


#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?


#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

Carol Kelly

I laughed all the way through. Where did you gain this brilliance. So true.

dtucker300 Loc: Vista, CA

I didn't come up with these. They were sent to me in an email.

Dwight Logan

FABULOUS. I would love to see more of you astute examples on life.

For years I taught, did seminars and wrote texts. I was doing a seminar in Texas using my text Essential Learning Skills and somone asked my associate if he could introduce me because he had attended a seminar on another subject and wanted to explain something. He introduced me by saying that he had attended the other seminar and wanted me to explain "dumbiosities" a word I had coined.
Itold the group that it is a silly way to remember important information. In legal description of real estate there are two ways to do it. One is called "metes and bounds". You start at a point and place of begging and then go through courses using distances and angles until you return to the beginning.
The other system is "rectagular survey". Wach township is composes of 36 sections and each section is 640 square acres.
We start at the left side when we read, write and use numbers. With the rectangular survey there are six rows of six sections. You start in the top right, then go left down to the next row and go right six sections.
Having written books on and taught real estate I knew that on almost every state real exam students were asked to tell which of the 36 numbered sections was where you started. I taught them that Horace Greely was in New England and advised young people to go west, you started in the east and went west.
My dumbiosity was that at the time of Western expansion when you went west on a stage coach there were painted stripes on the seat. If you sat down and were over those stripes you could not go. Why? Because there was no rest for the reary.

Canuckus Deploracus Loc: North of the wall

This was great Tucker