badbobby Loc: texas

with permission of my dear friend Bear K

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink
my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore
and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact which
I require your chosen employee to complete.


I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING,
PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.


While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example,
I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so

it doesn't take much to piss us off.
BearK

son of witless

Mike Easterday

Excellent idea!

bahmer

V.Feltman Loc: N.O. La.

I love it.