Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

A Texas Chili Contest

A Texas Chili Contest

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas and New Mexico, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
Was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
What I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit- faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
To taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
Was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
And I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

woodguru

That is funny, reminds me of a batch of chili I made, with results that had me and my friends laughing for days. I don't make real hot chili, but do put some finely ground dried Habaneros in it, we like habanero flavor. I make huge batches, and will cube up 10 pounds of pork butt.

So I start a batch in the morning, by lunch I have a big bowl with grated cheddar and onions on top, it was great so I had another. I'm already laughing thinking about shooting on pool league, I figure the chili's going to be working to where it can be considered a deadly weapon, a weapon of mass destruction if you will. My friend comes by early enough to sit down with us, and I have a couple more bowls of chili.

9:00 rolls around, we are halfway through our games, nothing. I was shooting and taking a shot at the other end of the table by the side where the other team was sitting. I ripped a silent but deadly and missed my shot because I wanted to get out of dodge. I'm laughing as I walk toward our guys, and Larry says what did you do? He knew something was up, I said you'll be figuring out what I did very soon, he said oh hell.

They start yelling from the other side as everyone ran away from their area. The guys on our side were laughing until it hit us and everyone went either outside or into the bar area. The room was clear, when this thing started infiltrating the bar area, people are cussing and swearing and going outside. This was a rough bar, and one of the skinhead types nobody wanted to mess with yells, "who the hell farted?" Larry goes uh oh, I yelled I did, what of it? This guy says right on, right on, that was righteous. Everyone starts laughing and remarking on the hang time. The skinhead, Wes, comes over and says dude, that was without a doubt the most righteous fart I've ever smelled. This gets everyone laughing even harder, he aske=s what the hell was in that thing, I detected beans, chili, pork, onions, oil, cheese, peppers but not chili peppers, I'm laughing and told him you're good, habanero, he says that's it. The whole bar is in hysterics, people were telling him to stop, their ribs couldn't take anymore. My friends and I laughed for days.

Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

*********************************************************
In 1967 I was in the Navy, in San Diego. I had a 72, that's 3 days off duty. I was drinking at the cheapest places to buy draft beer and surviving on 19 cent Tacos and 25 cent burritos. I went into a "Go Go" bar that was packed with sailors.
I was ripping off some good ones that I was proud of. Like everyone else I was looking around and saying "who is that SOB", I couldn't credit for it or I would been beat up pretty bad. I cleared the area around the bar and the girls even had to stop dancing and leave the stage. I was proud of myself. That might of been my 15 minutes.

woodguru

Gives one a sense of accomplishment, Lol

Must be a military thing, my dad and his aircrew were champion farters, legendary.

Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

************************************************
Might consider it to be a "Concealed Carry"

badbobby Loc: texas

I must say
this post was certainly odious

Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

*******************************************
Kind'a like a lot of liberal Posts but in a different way