The 28 Short Jokes You've Longed For
Mar 1, 2018 10:07:57 #
The 28 Short Jokes You've Longed For
1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.
3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
4. How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
6. The stationary store moved.
7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.
8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
Now there’s a small medium at large.
10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”
14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!
15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“Ell if I know.”
16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.
17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
“I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
20. “Knock knock”
“Come in”
21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!
22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...
23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!
25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium...
Sleeping in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2013/4/22/c47e6ef0-157a-4dbe-af1c-4c29e8346cd2.jpg
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
The Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Dangerous Games
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex, take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:
"One of them's a cannibal."
I Asked My Husband
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1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.
3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
4. How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
6. The stationary store moved.
7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.
8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
Now there’s a small medium at large.
10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”
14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!
15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“Ell if I know.”
16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.
17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
“I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
20. “Knock knock”
“Come in”
21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!
22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...
23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!
25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium...
Sleeping in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2013/4/22/c47e6ef0-157a-4dbe-af1c-4c29e8346cd2.jpg
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
The Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Dangerous Games
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex, take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:
"One of them's a cannibal."
I Asked My Husband
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Mar 1, 2018 10:28:32 #
no propaganda please
Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun
[quote=pafret]The 28 Short Jokes You've Longed For
1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.
3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
4. How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
6. The stationary store moved.
7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.
8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
Now there’s a small medium at large.
10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”
14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!
15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“Ell if I know.”
16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.
17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
“I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
20. “Knock knock”
“Come in”
21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!
22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...
23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!
25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium...
Sleeping in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2013/4/22/c47e6ef0-157a-4dbe-af1c-4c29e8346cd2.jpg
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
The Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Dangerous Games
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex, take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:
[b]"One of them's a cannibal."[b]
I laughed so hard I spilled my coffee all over the computer. Great, now it is smoking!! Thanks much
SWMBO
1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.
3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
4. How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
6. The stationary store moved.
7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.
8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
Now there’s a small medium at large.
10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”
14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!
15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“Ell if I know.”
16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.
17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
“I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
20. “Knock knock”
“Come in”
21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!
22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...
23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!
25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium...
Sleeping in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2013/4/22/c47e6ef0-157a-4dbe-af1c-4c29e8346cd2.jpg
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
The Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Dangerous Games
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex, take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:
[b]"One of them's a cannibal."[b]
I laughed so hard I spilled my coffee all over the computer. Great, now it is smoking!! Thanks much
SWMBO
Mar 1, 2018 11:41:43 #
[quote=pafret]The 28 Short Jokes You've Longed For
All are funny, I'm still laughing, thank you!
SEMPER FI
All are funny, I'm still laughing, thank you!
SEMPER FI
Mar 1, 2018 12:03:15 #
Mar 2, 2018 09:36:50 #
Peewee
Loc: San Antonio, TX
Great job parfret, ignore slat, I hear he was born without a funny bone.
Mar 2, 2018 10:25:28 #
kenvrla
Loc: East Tx Piney Woods
pafret wrote:
The 28 Short Jokes You've Longed For br br br 1.... (show quote)
Mar 2, 2018 13:52:05 #
[quote=no propaganda please][quote=pafret]The 28 Short Jokes You've Longed For
1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.
3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
4. How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
6. The stationary store moved.
7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.
8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
Now there’s a small medium at large.
10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”
14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!
15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“Ell if I know.”
16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.
17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
“I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
20. “Knock knock”
“Come in”
21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!
22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...
23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!
25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium...
Sleeping in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2013/4/22/c47e6ef0-157a-4dbe-af1c-4c29e8346cd2.jpg
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
The Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Dangerous Games
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex, take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:
[b]"One of them's a cannibal."[b]
I laughed so hard I spilled my coffee all over the computer. Great, now it is smoking!! Thanks much
SWMBO[/quote]
I fell asleep reading the first one
were the others any better???
1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.
3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
4. How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
6. The stationary store moved.
7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.
8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
Now there’s a small medium at large.
10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”
14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!
15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“Ell if I know.”
16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.
17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
“I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
20. “Knock knock”
“Come in”
21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!
22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...
23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!
25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium...
Sleeping in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
http://en.bcdn.biz/Files/2013/4/22/c47e6ef0-157a-4dbe-af1c-4c29e8346cd2.jpg
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
The Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Dangerous Games
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex, take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:
[b]"One of them's a cannibal."[b]
I laughed so hard I spilled my coffee all over the computer. Great, now it is smoking!! Thanks much
SWMBO[/quote]
I fell asleep reading the first one
were the others any better???
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