Gotta Love Those Irish--(Old Irish Jokes): Gotta Love Those Irish--(Old Irish Jokes) Irish Confession I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic...

Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

Gotta Love Those Irish--(Old Irish Jokes)

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

Some Dublin Traffic Light Humour

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins," shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

An Irish Blonde in a Casino

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the Monte Carlo casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

Trees

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, when suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says, "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Reilly

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." Reilly shouted, "That's grand, does that mean I can keep the money?"

Dog

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" The farmer does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

Boat

An answer I can understand: An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies, "Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin boat."

Drink

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Awake

Finnegan: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning and I can't break her out of it."
Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' up at that time?"
Finnegan: " Waiting' for me to come home."

Confession

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then, once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

bahmer

Oldsailor65 wrote:

Gotta Love Those Irish--(Old Irish Jokes)

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

Some Dublin Traffic Light Humour

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins," shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

An Irish Blonde in a Casino

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the Monte Carlo casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

Trees

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, when suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says, "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Reilly

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." Reilly shouted, "That's grand, does that mean I can keep the money?"

Dog

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" The farmer does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

Boat

An answer I can understand: An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies, "Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin boat."

Drink

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Awake

Finnegan: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning and I can't break her out of it."
Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' up at that time?"
Finnegan: " Waiting' for me to come home."

Confession

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then, once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

color=green b Gotta Love Those Irish--(Old Iris... (show quote)

good ones thanks.

BigMike Loc: yerington nv

Oldsailor65 wrote:

Gotta Love Those Irish--(Old Irish Jokes)

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

Some Dublin Traffic Light Humour

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins," shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

An Irish Blonde in a Casino

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the Monte Carlo casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

Trees

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, when suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says, "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Reilly

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." Reilly shouted, "That's grand, does that mean I can keep the money?"

Dog

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" The farmer does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

Boat

An answer I can understand: An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies, "Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin boat."

Drink

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Awake

Finnegan: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning and I can't break her out of it."
Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' up at that time?"
Finnegan: " Waiting' for me to come home."

Confession

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then, once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

color=green b Gotta Love Those Irish--(Old Iris... (show quote)

"An answer I can understand: An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies, "Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin boat."

I like 'em short and sweet.

GmanTerry

Yep, those were all funny. Thanks.

Semper Fi

MalG

At least they weren't Polish jokes. Have you heard the one about......oh, you already have.

Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

MalG wrote:

At least they weren't Polish jokes. Have you heard the one about......oh, you already have.

*********************************************************************************
OK herz one

The Bear Hunt

Once upon a time a Polock and a friend of his from Czechoslovakia went bear hunting.
High up in the mountains they came upon 2 bears eating berries.
The bears turned on them and attacked them. One of the bears killed the fellow from
Czechoslovakia.
The Polock didn't have a gun so he ran back down to a village to report what happened
to his friend the Czechoslovakiaian.
The men in the village grabbed their guns and with the Polock charged up the mountain.
They found 2 bears eating barries, they asked the Polock if this looked like the 2 bears
and he said yes it did.
They asked which bear killed and ate his buddy and the Polock pointed at the big male
bear.
So they killed the male bear and opened him up and they found no evidence that he had
ate a human.

The moral of this story is to "Never believe a Polock when he says the check is in the male.

bahmer

Oldsailor65 wrote:

**************************************************... (show quote)

GmanTerry

Oldsailor65 wrote:

**************************************************... (show quote)

I am duly impressed that ANYONE knows how to spell 'Czechoslovakiaian'. I sure as hell can't. I couldn't have replied without the aid of cut / paste. Seventeen letters.

Semper Fi