oldroy Loc: Western Kansas (No longer in hiding)

Grandma's Invitation (Priceless)
Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.

Not 2:15.

Not 2:05.

Two. 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A &M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. A ll of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma.

E

That was beautiful, well said and should be a rule almost everywhere.

goofball Loc: timbucktoo

Vvery fUNNY! Passed on to all my grandkids, and friends!

Kevyn

That bitter old bitty had best hope she has a fat bankroll and greedy family or she will be eating a lot of left overs by hereself between now and the end of the year. Besides who in hell eats dinner at two in the afternoon? Most folks are just finishing brunch when at two, civilized folks don’t eat dinner until 6

Big dog

Grandma knows what's what, and deserves to be listened to. Good one Roy.

lindajoy Loc: right here with you....

Grandma can do as she pleases., she doesn’t eat at 6 to prove it, with 30 people mulling around all day I’d have dinner at 2pm as well..

She’s not a bitter ole bitty, she’s grandma!!!

no propaganda please Loc: moon orbiting the third rock from the sun

You are so right, and Grandmas are very special. I never had one so envy those who did. On the other hand, I am now a substitute grandpa to a lot of kids and THAT IS WONDERFUL!!!!!

Big dog

Kevin came from a chicken egg and wouldn't know anything about grandparents.

Freedomcalls

Kevvy you are 1 of the reasons i left. Others like you. I have some here who really help me and guide me through political B.S. Jargon. Have you ever just sit down and write down what you say why you past.n copy. For 1 Kevvy, others have children and have to go to school. Also most, not you, have a bussiness or a job to be at in the morning. You have to drive safe and beat the traffic. Your description of that grandmother is not what my mother and father were raised like. Oh yeah lil kevvy, between cooking sharing and having great memories. Then she would like time with her grandchildren. Anyway kevvy, to think like that you are one sic lonely individual . Believe me , Albert met you in person stupid as you sound and believe that would not be good dumbass go back and read what you posted again about someone's grandmother your grandmother or any grandmother. Going to let you know who won the election I'm pretty sure it was TRUMP. Just wanted to let you know how much Wingnuts and moon bats percentage of notes about one tenth of a percent.
For the ones that contacted me and posted for me I got you and I thank you I have a very extra deep feeling for my Constitution freedom and they're real American Way also my patriotic citizens.
Thank you
Tony

Big dog

You called it, kev is a sorry example of humanity.

bahmer

Amen and Amen from a grandpa.

Mike Easterday

I would very happy to help this wonderful lady's request about the refrigerator and beer situation! 😃😃😃

boatbob2

We have Thanksgiving,and Christmas dinners,at my house,at 2 PM SHARP, Kevyn,you are NOT invited.

oldroy Loc: Western Kansas (No longer in hiding)

I thought it was great that grandma tried to keep grandpa's practices live after his death.

Louie27 Loc: Peoria, AZ

You are so right!! I remember both of my grandmas. Both of them always had a special for us grand kids. But we knew there were rules that had to be followed when at their houses. Usually it was we love you but no yelling or screaming in the house since they were not hard of hearing. It was OK outside in the yard. Our special treat was tapioca pudding by one grandmas and the other always had apple and cherry pie when is season or pudding, which all of us liked. I remember those days just like yesterday. It was great to be a kid in the forties and fifties.