Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda, There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda.... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
T he priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


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AND THE BEST FOR THE LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

grace scott

A laugh is good for the soul, and right now I needed one. I am having a fight with weed, and they are winning. Thank you.

Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

I grew up on a farm in Iowa and after a rain when we couldn't do anything else we would go out in the corn or bean field and pull weeds.
It was boring as hell and hot and humid and I still hate it. Goats are good for getting rid of weeds, they like to eat them.

pafret Loc: Northeast

How did you keep them from eating the crops?

Oldsailor65 Loc: Iowa

We didn't raise goats but from what I understand they prefer rough vegetation that other livestock don't like.
I know of people who bought timberland with lots of brush and undesirable vegetation and pastured goats in it and they cleaned it up like a city park.

pappadeux Loc: Phoenix AZ

I too like drunks. They can be a lot of fun, just keep them out of cars as my cartoons indicate.

GmanTerry

Wow, the second picture is a 59 Ford retracto convertible. My brother had one.

Semper Fi

pappadeux Loc: Phoenix AZ

A very rare car indeed. The primary reason is that they were "rust buckets" The main problem is the redesign of the floor pan and internal leakage of rain water. Never the less if you can find one "a great car"

GmanTerry

And room for one bag of groceries in the trunk when the top was down. Unfortunately, my brother had his in upstate New York with no garage, so it only took a few years for it to rust out.


Semper Fi

pappadeux Loc: Phoenix AZ

Sorry read above