What's My Name?
May 4, 2017 17:46:59 #
How Soon?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Of late their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Too Close?
80-year old Bessie burst into the recreation room at a retirement home. She held her clenched fist in the air and announced, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouted out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thought for a minute and said, "Close enough."
Wrong Way!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him: "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-95. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
Elderly Seduction
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Supersex
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Who's Driving?
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again . Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"
[b]Lonely Heart.[/b[
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN'T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, “You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted, “You don't have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
“Rang the doorbell, didn't I?”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Of late their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Too Close?
80-year old Bessie burst into the recreation room at a retirement home. She held her clenched fist in the air and announced, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouted out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thought for a minute and said, "Close enough."
Wrong Way!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him: "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-95. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
Elderly Seduction
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Supersex
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Who's Driving?
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again . Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"
[b]Lonely Heart.[/b[
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN'T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, “You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted, “You don't have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
“Rang the doorbell, didn't I?”
May 4, 2017 17:55:12 #
[quote=Larry the Legend]How Soon?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Of late their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Too Close?
80-year old Bessie burst into the recreation room at a retirement home. She held her clenched fist in the air and announced, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouted out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thought for a minute and said, "Close enough."
Wrong Way!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him: "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-95. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
Elderly Seduction
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Supersex
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Who's Driving?
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again . Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"
[b]Lonely Heart.[/b[
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN'T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, “You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted, “You don't have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
“Rang the doorbell, didn't I?”[/quote]
Leave it to you, Larryyyyy~~~lololololl When I stop laughing I'll get back to ya~~
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Of late their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Too Close?
80-year old Bessie burst into the recreation room at a retirement home. She held her clenched fist in the air and announced, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouted out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thought for a minute and said, "Close enough."
Wrong Way!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him: "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-95. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
Elderly Seduction
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Supersex
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Who's Driving?
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again . Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"
[b]Lonely Heart.[/b[
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN'T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, “You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted, “You don't have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
“Rang the doorbell, didn't I?”[/quote]
Leave it to you, Larryyyyy~~~lololololl When I stop laughing I'll get back to ya~~
May 5, 2017 10:42:58 #
lindajoy wrote:
Leave it to you, Larryyyyy~~~lololololl When I stop laughing I'll get back to ya~~
We aim to please....
May 5, 2017 12:57:58 #
lindajoy wrote:
Leave it to you, Larryyyyy~~~lololololl When I stop laughing I'll get back to ya~~
How's the 'giggle factor' on this one?
Three Days After Easter
Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
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