slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Dante Sowell: The day I killed my first enemy in combat.

More than 20 million US military veterans are currently living in the US, with many of them scarred by war. After years of waging war overseas, many US veterans returning to civilian life struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), homelessness and addiction.

Dante Sowell is one of them. This is his story in his own words...

I come from a long line of servicemen, a lot of whom were in the US Marine Corps and the air force. There aren’t any army [soldiers] in my family, but I do come from a history of a long line of men who honestly served their country.

Enlisting was a decision that I made on my own. If anything, I was encouraged not to because it was around the time of the Iraq war and there were a lot of soldiers coming home injured, suffering from PTSD or missing a limb.

There was a lot of negative stigma attached to joining the military … but I went ahead anyway.

My PTSD was triggered when I killed the first enemy in combat.

It all happened so fast … I was like, oh my God, I just killed this man. Why?

But I couldn’t sit and think about this because I still had people shooting at me.

I had to protect the men that were in my trust. That was my job, I was a gunner for a truck. I had to protect my truck rather than go out there and deal with my killing a man.

I thought about how easy it was and how my training played a part. What they don’t tell you is that when you take a life, you lose parts yourself. If you take a life, you lose a part of yourself.

No matter if a person’s trying to come after you or not, you are still taking another person’s life. It’s someone’s son, it’s someone’s father, it’s someone’s friend. I guess that was the start of my PTSD.

Not dealing with it manifested into more. The more carnage I saw, I just I couldn’t deal with it right then. I thought “I’ll deal with it later, when I get back”.

When I got back, it manifested in different ways.

I have trouble sleeping, I have social anxiety, problems with being in bars and in groups of people. There are certain things I can’t be around. I can’t be around large and unexpected noises. If I’m at a birthday party and a balloon pops, hearing something like that triggers me, and so I try to avoid events like that.

It affects me in my day-to-day life. I still have severe PTSD, I just learn to deal with it, I know my triggers and avoid those triggers.

Being alone helps me calm down.

There’s a time when I had a PTSD episode at work and everyone was coming around, asking, ‘are you okay?’ and all I can do is check their hands, check their waistband, check their feet … I get extremely hypervigilant.

One of the reasons why I have such a negative stigma with treating my PTSD is the different medications I’ve been given to combat the symptoms. Somethings would work and others wouldn’t … in total, I have been put on 52 different types of medications.

This treatment left me feeling like a zombie, it left me feeling like I wasn’t me. And one of the things that I said when I got out [of the military] was that I didn’t want to be a guinea pig for PTSD. And the first thing that the VA [Department of Veteran Affairs] did was try to push medication on us.

I’ve seen over 12 different psychiatrists and psychologists through the VA. I have yet to come across one that honored my no medication request. I can’t say anything good to you about the VA as far as dealing with PTSD.

I have trouble sleeping, I have social anxiety, problems with being in bars and in groups of people ... I can't be around large and unexpected noises. If I'm at a birthday party and a balloon pops, hearing something like that triggers me, and so I try to avoid events like that.

The VA is such a fractured system. The biggest problem I have with them is logistics. There’s so much red tape and bulls**t that you have to go through just to get treatment because it’s all politics. If I need to make an appointment to see a doctor right now, I can make my appointment today but I won’t see a doctor for three to four months out.

I honestly believe the actual doctors and the people that are providing the care truly do care.

However, I think there are so many people there making a ridiculous amount of money working for the VA that they don’t care that the system is broken.

There are too many people high up making a lot of money to say that they’re representing veterans and they’re doing this for the veterans. As long as their check is just fine and they get their money deposited, they don’t care.

It’s like a band-aid culture: they’re trying to fix something that is already well beyond broken. They’re trying to fix something that’s well beyond repair.

Something was recently going around on Facebook, I think, that said every 21 seconds there’s a vet that kills themselves in the United States, from complications from PTSD, or whatever the case may be.

So there was also a challenge on Facebook where they wanted people to do 21 push-ups for 21 days to bring awareness. I did the whole 21 for 21 days.

I remember saying on my last day of my push-ups, I posted that this is something that I struggle with too and if you are someone that I served with and you need someone to talk to, please call me because I’m here for you.

I had two servicemen whom I had served with call and talk to me because they were contemplating suicide. And I talked them down. And now they’re fine.

Americans need to understand that that is the cost of war. We're sending people over there and they will come back with problems. Everyone knows.

I don’t believe that there’s enough being done.

At least one of our US Senators said veterans coming back that suffer from PTSD should be looked after.

Instead, very little funding is spent on treatment for soldiers suffering from PTSD and the money goes to redoing jets or making more bombs or new weapons. They don’t care about the soldiers.

Americans need to understand that, that is the cost of war. We’re sending people over there and they will come back with problems. Everyone knows.

You don’t have friends like you do in the military. They become more than friends and family.

Adrian, my friend, we served together. When I showed up in the unit, he showed up in the unit, so when he was new, I was new.

Even though I haven’t seen Adrian in 10 years, he still calls me to this day, for anything and I’m there. He can need me for anything and I’m there. You don’t have that same rapport with people when you get out.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

P.S./slatten49: It is my belief that seeing one's buddies die is at least as contributory in leading to PTSD. Like Mr. Sowell, I also keep in touch with fellow Veterans...those with whom I served and otherwise.

saltwind 78 Loc: Murrells Inlet, South Carolina

Thank G-d it never became that personnel for me. In 1966, our squadron of destroyers stopped a fleet of barges and smaller vessels off the coast of Vietnam. We ordered them to heave too, and prepare for inspection. When they started to scatter, we opened up on them for about a half an hour. When the smoke cleared, there was hardly saw dust in the water. I was port lookout and saw what happened first hand. We did see plenty of secondary explosions, so I doubt if they were shipping perfume, or clothing.
I no longer have any contact with those I served from.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Always good to hear from you, Saltwind78.

A group of about a dozen or so of my old unit has held several reunions since a Khe Sanh 20th anniversary reunion in 1988. With our aging and/or passing on, they are becoming less and less frequent. But, we still keep in contact via phone, internet, and with some sporadic opportunities for visits in travels both East and West to visit Families.

Peaver Bogart Loc: Montana

I guess it depends on which VA you go to. I've been to some very bad VAs, but when we moved to Montana I went to the Spokane, WA VA and it was great. They had a program that I went to for a few years Then after that, the instructor (Himself was a Vietnam Veteran) came to our town once a week to meet at the VFW in a group setting. He explained PTSD and how to live with it. We never talked about war stories. We just talked about what was happening with us now and how to deal with it.

Tiptop789 Loc: State of Denial

Slat, I hope everything is good, I always look forward to your comments.

lpnmajor Loc: Arkansas

This story is tragic but all too common. The secret to overcoming an addiction is helping others deal with THEIR addictions, this applies to PTSD as well. No one understands you better than someone who has experienced the same horrors you have, staying in constant contact with each other is imperative, Veterans helping Veterans is the only way back from the edge of the abyss.

Medications can be helpful but are not a cure, nor are they a viable alternative to the tried and true method, as described above, for relief from war demons. No one who experiences battle comes away unscathed, even if they are fortunate enough to avoid physical wounds.

Kickaha Loc: Nebraska

Both of my sons served in Iraq. I know what their duties were and while I know that they had to kill someone, I have never asked them for details but I am there if they need me. One son did say that one he killed trying to breach the perimeter of his camp bothered him when they searched the body and found the pictures of his family. In one sense I'm glad that it bothered him, it meant he still had a conscience. I worry about the ones that become accustomed to the killing.

slatten49 Loc: Lake Whitney, Texas

Thanks for sharing, Kickaha. I understand what you mean about your son's feelings about killing a family man. But, it had to be comforting for you that he showed a conscience. Ones that become accustomed to killing warrant cause for concern.

Weasel Loc: In the Great State Of Indiana!!

I never got into the pity parties. Being accustomed to it ment a better chance to move on to the next day.