justkillingtime

Warning: anti-Star Wars diatribe ahead. Not to be taken seriously by anyone. Young Jedis and/or Siths lacking in boo-koo quantities of the Force read at their own risk.





Warning this is your last.





Seriously; last warning.

I got cable TV for the first time in my life in early 2007. I was not impressed. One of the stations was HBO and during the first few months or so it seemed that every time I turned the TV on HBO was broadcasting one of them stupid Star Wars movies, and by stupid I mean episodes I, II and III.

I was 9 years old when Star Wars Episode IV came out (of course it was episode only at the time). I have never been big on movies and didn’t give Episode IV much thought at the time. Then a year or so after the movie was out of the theaters and without knowing anything whatsoever about the plot or the relationship of the characters I had a dream about the movie (and I wasn’t even taking BP meds at the time like I am now). So then I got a hold of the comic book version of the movie and was hooked even though the actual movie was nothing at all like my dream.

By the time the 3rd movie came out (episode VI; the way he counts you’d think Lucas had worked for the government) I had a fairly sizeable collection of Star Wars toys, but I did not add anything from the 3rd movie.

I have never been able to stomach the Episode I movie- Jar Jar in front of the camera acting and Lucas behind the camera directing. Neither have I ever seen Episode II or Episode III all the way through.

However, when my local paper provided a plot summary for all 6 episodes when Episode III came out, I couldn’t help but have questions.

1. What’s with all of the weird character names in Episode I and II and III? Names like Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Han Solo and even Lando Calrissian and Boba Fett sound half-way natural. But, who in the Death Star came up with Padme and Palpatine? Was Lucas simply dreaming up crazy characters so he could sell more action figures? Or was Padme and Palpatine what the cast ended up doing to each other at the wrap party?

2. If Vader knew that Luke Skywalker was his son, why did it take him so long to catch on about Leia?

3. When Episode II came out I heard something about Jedi Knights not being allowed to fall in love. I bet Solo wishes someone had told Luke that when he was putting the moves on his own sister in Episodes IV and V.

4. Does Yoda use a full-size light saber?

5. In Episode I Obi-wan told Luke that Vader had helped the Emperor hunt down and k**l all of the Jedi Knights. But, at the end of that movie, when Obi-wan and Vader meet on the Death Star, Vader says “It’s been a long time” as if he had gotten lonely and missed his old chum Obi-wan. Considering that Obi-wan had spent the past 20 years or so living on the same planet that Vader had grown up on, why didn’t Vader know where to look?

6. Vader supposedly built 3PO when he was a child. I know that 3PO was always scatter-brained, but surely he could remember where he came from. And if he couldn’t remember why didn’t R2D2 tell him?

7. And speaking of coming from, Vader was a supposedly born of a virgin. Just who does Vader think he is? Nero?

8. It’s sort of disappointing to know that the Empire and the battle for the universe began simply as a trade war. It wasn’t about t***h and justice and the American way after all. There really was no noble sentiment about all men (and wh**ever Jabba was) being created equal; nothing about no taxation without representation or jury trials or the pursuit of happiness. It was just a trade war. But, I guess this is to be expected since Episode IV began as a trade war- between Stars Wars and Battlestar Galactica.

9. If the Force was so strong in Luke Skywalker, why did he not know a thing about it until Obi-wan explained it to him in Episode IV?

10. And just who decided that Luke was to be raised by a dirt-farmer, while sister Leia was raised as a princess?

11. And speaking of princesses, how does a Republic have royalty?

12. Was anyone else as disappointed with John Williams’ effort for Episodes I II and III as I was?

13. Let me see if I have all this right: Darth Vader had a daughter he did not know about. Luke Skywalker had a father he did know about. Leia spent almost 2 whole movies lusting after a brother she didn’t know about. And Luke has endured the death of his father and 2 mentors. I can’t wait for Star Wars Episode VII- Therapy.

Augustus Greatorex Loc: NE

This was an anti Star Wars diatribe?

In the cantina in Episode IV A New Hope, who shot first? Han Solo or the bounty h****r?

As children, Dad wouldn't allow my brothers and I to watch Star Wars. He said, "It was written and directed by the Devil." Most Star Wars fans now agree with my dad.

justkillingtime

At one time I saw a lot of Christian symbolism in Star Wars- good v. evil; the fallen state of man and man’s redemption- not to mention the traditional faith of our fathers. But since then Lucas has revealed himself to be an A-number one Eastern mystical fruitcake.

Augustus Greatorex Loc: NE

Eastern mysticism teaches some very similar things to Judaism. It could be that one is a corruption of the other. Lucas, however, has moved on to Atheism about the same time he came out as a homosexual. I think that was in 2001.

George MacDonald writes in The Gifts of the Child Christ , "It is wonderful out of what spoiled fruit some children will suck sweetness."

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

When I was married, many people kept remarking on my Princess Lela dress. My answer was who? Many people kept saying, "Star Wars..you know the movie." My response was, "no, I do not know." My then new spouse decided a few weeks later he would take me to see the movie. Perhaps my mind was immature as within 45 minutes I calmly looked at him and said, "I will meet you in the lobby after this piece of BORING garbage is over." Proceeded to the lobby, finished the popcorn, soda, and read a book from my purse. BORING continues to be the best description. Obviously, I have no, supposed, understanding of symbolism.

justkillingtime

This I had not heard, but how do you explain his normal marriage a month or so ago?

justkillingtime

I read the comic book version before I ever saw the movie. But I started reading the first time about half-way through the book. It took me a while to get around to reading it from the beginning because I was bored by it. The biggest thing about the movies for me was the technology that went into the special effects and the music.

Augustus Greatorex Loc: NE

I don't. Thank you, for correcting me.

AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State

You and my spouse must be kin. :D According to him it was about the technology.