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Something to lighten your day
Nov 23, 2014 17:32:20   #
PoppaGringo Loc: Muslim City, Mexifornia, B.R.
 
1. Mobile number:

A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"
After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"


2. Be specific:

Know what to ask from God!

A man got two wishes from God.

He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.

Next moment he got Mineral Water & Mother Teresa.

Moral: Be specific.

3. Bartender:

Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink.

“What the hell is that?” the customer asks.

“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” He replied.

4. Jamaican Joke:

A Rasta walks into a bank and hands a cashier a bag full of marijuana. The cashier asks "Sir, what’s this?"

The Rasta replies "Yo maan, mi come to open a joint account"!!

5. Arthritis (totally non-medical, and could be any ailment):

A drunken man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis ?'

The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis ?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

6. On Fridays, I fish

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Reply
Nov 23, 2014 19:59:08   #
AuntiE Loc: 45th Least Free State
 
PoppaGringo wrote:
1. Mobile number:

A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"
After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"


2. Be specific:

Know what to ask from God!

A man got two wishes from God.

He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.

Next moment he got Mineral Water & Mother Teresa.

Moral: Be specific.

3. Bartender:

Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink.

“What the hell is that?” the customer asks.

“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” He replied.

4. Jamaican Joke:

A Rasta walks into a bank and hands a cashier a bag full of marijuana. The cashier asks "Sir, what’s this?"

The Rasta replies "Yo maan, mi come to open a joint account"!!

5. Arthritis (totally non-medical, and could be any ailment):

A drunken man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis ?'

The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis ?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

6. On Fridays, I fish

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
1. Mobile number: br br A newly married husband s... (show quote)


*******



Reply
Nov 24, 2014 09:57:45   #
Coos Bay Tom Loc: coos bay oregon
 
PoppaGringo wrote:
1. Mobile number:

A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"
After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"


2. Be specific:

Know what to ask from God!

A man got two wishes from God.

He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.

Next moment he got Mineral Water & Mother Teresa.

Moral: Be specific.

3. Bartender:

Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink.

“What the hell is that?” the customer asks.

“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” He replied.

4. Jamaican Joke:

A Rasta walks into a bank and hands a cashier a bag full of marijuana. The cashier asks "Sir, what’s this?"

The Rasta replies "Yo maan, mi come to open a joint account"!!

5. Arthritis (totally non-medical, and could be any ailment):

A drunken man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis ?'

The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis ?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

6. On Fridays, I fish

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
1. Mobile number: br br A newly married husband s... (show quote)


:thumbup: good ones all :thumbup:

Reply
 
 
Nov 24, 2014 10:53:21   #
BearK Loc: TN
 
PoppaGringo wrote:
1. Mobile number:

A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"
After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"


2. Be specific:

Know what to ask from God!

A man got two wishes from God.

He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.

Next moment he got Mineral Water & Mother Teresa.

Moral: Be specific.

3. Bartender:

Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink.

“What the hell is that?” the customer asks.

“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” He replied.

4. Jamaican Joke:

A Rasta walks into a bank and hands a cashier a bag full of marijuana. The cashier asks "Sir, what’s this?"

The Rasta replies "Yo maan, mi come to open a joint account"!!

5. Arthritis (totally non-medical, and could be any ailment):

A drunken man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis ?'

The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis ?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

6. On Fridays, I fish

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
1. Mobile number: br br A newly married husband s... (show quote)


You are the laugh master today, thanks for all the smiles.

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