dtucker300 Loc: Vista, CA

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.


My tolerance for i***ts is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.


It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.


I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.


As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.


As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The t***h is I’m just being more energy-efficient.


I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.


If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.


Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.


I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.


I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.


My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.


Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.


Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.


So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the v*****e because you don’t know what’s in it?


Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass


There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The t***h is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.

dtucker300 Loc: Vista, CA

Philosophers of the Century

.~ Jean Kerr...The only reason they say "Women and children first" is to test the strength of the lifeboats.


~ Prince Philip...When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.


~ Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.


~ Spike Milligan...The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.


~ Jean Rostand...K**l one man and you're a murderer, k**l a million and you're a conqueror.


~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
(He got that for saying "I'll be back")!!


~Cheers WH Auden..We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.


~ Johnny Carson...If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.


~ Steve Martin...Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.


~ Jimmy Durante... Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is


~ Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.


~ George Roberts...The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.


~ Jonathan Winters... If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.


~ Robert Benchley... I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


~ John Glenn... As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.


~ David Letterman... America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was f**ed.


~ Howard Hughes... I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Actually, I'm a billionaire.


~Old Italian proverb... After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

dtucker300 Loc: Vista, CA

And then there is airline logic.

Big dog

👍👍👍👍👍

RandyBrian Loc: Texas

Great laughs! Thanks, guys.

Wonttakeitanymore

And when they rewrite history you know it won’t be in cursive!!! That’s our new code!

dtucker300 Loc: Vista, CA

What time will it be when they rewrite it? They won't know; none of them can read an analog clock.